*..Of Wonder and Doubt..*

And as we age, we realise the fragility of relationships and life in general.

How many of those you deem your closest friends would still be in your life,
5 years down this path?

How many of your cherished ones,
actually cherish you as much as you cherish them?

These days, I tend not to attach myself too emotionally to people and objects.

For the people who are meant to stay in your life, will somehow still be around at the end of the day, I guess.

They'll be special to me and stay precious in my heart;
In my own quiet ways, I'll treasure them with all my heart and mind.

But when the time comes for them to move on to greener pastures,
I'll take heart and let them go;
For all that stays within me are the invaluable memories,
that no amount of gold can buy.

Such is the reality of things one must learn to accept in life's journey.

*..Fatigue..*

And I wonder how long more I can tolerate all of these.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder what I'd done to deserve all of these.

Like why do you treat me the way you do?
Why do you vent your frustrations on me?
Why am I a punching bag?
Why am I the target of your emotions?

I'm an emotional being too.
And all of these cause emotional scarring with every stroke of hurt.

I feel like I can't take this anymore.

And I wonder why I'm holding on to this, ever so tightly.

If there were one thing I had to choose to hate - it would be being taken for granted. I simply dislike it when people vent their anger and frustrations on me, just because I won't retaliate.

I feel like just drowning myself in all of these, and not wake up to tomorrow.

*..不知所措..*

最近感到十分烦躁。

感觉上好像生活好缭乱，
似乎控制不了周围所发生的事情。

也感到很无奈。

有那种进退两难的感觉。
不知从何处开始，简直措手不及。

There's so many things I want to help out with.
There's so many things on hand to settle.
And I can't seem to manage all of them.

Be it physically, mentally or sometimes I'm just clueless about it.

I guess money is the root of all woes and worries.

虽然说钱不是万能的，
但没有了钱，
面对很多事，都只不过是无能的。

I feel like everything is happening all at once, and resources are needed everywhere. But I can't seem to allocate sufficient resources anywhere at all. And I just fall back into escapism periodically.

I wish I can lessen my parents' burden by contributing more and sponsoring their startup costs, but there's only so much I can do due to the limited funds on my end.

And because I've been trying to contribute more than I can actually afford, it leads to a whole set of new problems for myself.

Feel like there's so much more I can do, so much more to be done....
But I just can't do it...

因为没有钱，所以增添了不少烦恼。。。。

2015 年，我希望能够踏出新的生活。。。
努力工作，赚好多好多钱。。。
和亲爱的家人同享。。。

现在，只好再爬起。。。
憧憬着美好的未来。。。

Perhaps a positive mindset is all I need right now.
For - it's all in the mind.

May time and monetary resources be in my favour for the next 2 months.
May my parents' new business prosper.
May I kill off my 3489568252 deadlines and to-do lists.
May our lives overflow with peace, health and happiness!

It's a difficult month ahead, but I must conquer this.
Let's restart with positivity, from tomorrow onwards.

CHIONG AH!

*..明日复明日..*

明日复明日，明日何其多。。。

And it just struck me that the year is coming to a close and I hadn't fulfilled my 2014 resolution of penning my thoughts in a diary on a daily basis. Oh well, let's try again in 2015 shall we?

Food for thought...

The year has passed by pretty quickly, I can't remember much except for what projects and deadlines I had... the people I'd worked with... and I can even remember the production dates of projects... But I guess I haven't managed to spend enough time with the people who truly matter to me... my family =)

I feel like work is sucking me dry sometimes...
Yet at times I feel the satisfaction and fulfilment....

I feel like I want time to myself....
Yet I can never detach work from my personal life completely...
It haunts me each time I choose to ignore it...

I feel like...perhaps it's time for me to do something I really want for myself...
But yet I wonder.. What is it that I really want within?

I guess 2015 would be a year of self-discovery and experiments... I feel psyched up thinking about it and I do hope everything falls nicely in place...

I guess in 2015, I want to be a better person...
I want to be steps closer to my dream....
I want to experience life in proper...

Until then, 2 more weeks to end this year on a perfect note.

It's 12/12 today. A very special date.
When I was young, I always wanted to get married on 12/12/12. Just cos there was no 13/13/13.

Okayyy, that was random! But today's just a day that reminds me of my childhood naivety and brings back a smile to my face. 岁月不饶人，一定要努力奋斗！明天才会更好！

*..Chanced Encounters..*

人海茫茫中，
我们所遇到的每个人，
在生活中都占有一定的位置。

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the people who enter our lives
Are but chanced encounters?
Or were they destined to cross paths with us?

From time to time,
At the most unexpected circumstances,
We tend to meet like-minded people.

People who seem to click instantaneously with us.
People who seem to be able to read our minds.
People who give you the 是从相识 feeling.
People who are too similar to you - it's almost uncanny.

And these people are the ones I'd cherish for a long, long time.
At least that's what I'd hope to do.

These are the people I'd invest time talking to on a daily basis if I could;
These are people whom I'd spend whatever leisure or available time I had on hand;
These are people whom I'd share good times and bad ones with.

These are people I could talk to most comfortably,
About anything under the sun;
These are people I'd run to,
If they would just drop a msg or call of SOS;
Most of all, these are the people who hold an important place in my heart.

They may not be the ones I had known for forever;
They may even be friends I had known in recent years -
But such bonds are inexplicable...
Immeasurable by the number of years of acquaintance...

Somehow over my growing years,
As I learnt to sieve the good friends from the bad...
A part of me developed a self-mechanism that judges and filters the keepers from the rest...

But hard as we try to keep these special friends close to our hearts,
We have to readily face the fact that there's the possibility that
These people might leave our lives at some point in time,
As unexpectedly as they had entered our lives.

所谓，天下无不散之筵席。。。
When the day comes for these special friends to leave, we have to take heart.


Sometimes, when these people begin to fill an important role in my life,
I actually feel vulnerable....

Chanced encounters or not,
All good things will come to an end in most circumstances,
And a part of me will always fear that I will be the only one left behind.

*..六姨，一路走好..*

人生难测。。。

工作繁忙之后，原以为终于能抽空到医院探访六姨－
没想到，她就这么静悄悄地离去了。

原来，时间不留人。
有些时侯，错过了就后悔莫及了。

悲欢离合，都是难免的；
生老病死，也变幻莫测。

小时候，每逢周六都会在阿嬷家呆整天。
最粘的就是六姨和小叔，经常和他们闲聊起来。

受妈妈挨打的时候，总是可怜悯悯地藏在六姨与小叔的背后。

五年前，她患上了血癌。
经历了一系列诊疗侯，渐渐好转。

当时，妈妈不让我到医院探访。
于是等了六姨康复侯，才探望了她。

过了几年，隐隐约约看到了六姨好几次。。。
巴刹啦，农历新年啦，
每当碰到她就想拍张照留念。

两天前，一踏进家门，妈妈不禁告诉我六姨逝世的坏消息。
我情不自禁地落泪了。。。
爬上床上，哭了整夜。。。
就那么哭着睡。。。

早晨醒过来时，也感觉奇异。。。
似乎停留在梦境中。

六姨，您真的就这样消失了吗？
我们心里有无言的依依不舍。

听说，几个星期前，小叔捐了骨髓。。。
起初，医生都断定骨髓配对，生存几率高。。。
但几天前，突然出了状况。。。
六姨突然间病情衰退。。。

临死前， 表姐们都叫您安心地离去。。。
毕竟她们都长大了，能照顾自己了。。。
六姨，您却毫无反应。。。

当时，六叔说出了三个字：
”我爱你！“

六姨，您的眼泪涌出眼眸，落下脸颊。。。
瞬时间，您听到了六叔吗？

听了这段话，又联想到六叔几十年来，始终内向毫无表达自己的心声。。。

我感动了。
眼泪直流。
我感觉到他内心的痛苦。

昨晚，在哀悼仪式看着六叔悲伤的表情，
不知不觉，眼睛也开始泪汪汪起来。

再见，六姨。
至少，您再也感受不到肉体的疼痛。。。
至少，您已解脱了病痛的苦海。。。
至少，您已跟阿嬷阿公团聚了。。。

后会有期！

And who would have thought your 1st overseas trip, would be your last?
These photos will be kept close to everyone's hearts.

Take care on the other side! =)
For you'll be dearly missed.

*..A Visit Down Memory Lane..*

A friend of mine mentioned his old blog, and I suddenly had a thought to revisit this space to see if it's still kept alive on blogspot.

And it's still ALIVE!

May it stay alive for a long time to come, cos as I attempted to read a couple of entries, memories came flooding back.

Memories I'd locked up at the back of my mind.
Memories that seemed so distant;
But I could vividly recollect them as images flashed through my mind when I read those old posts.

忙碌的生活中，
不知不觉忘了动笔写字的乐趣。

The power of words never fails to amaze me.

I guess, in light of my failing memory...
Perhaps it's high time I restart the habit of recording key moments of my life for record's sake.

And so I had a terrible day today.

Don't really have the mood for any serious talk with anyone today...
Ignored a couple of messages that were pressing me for answers...

I felt like I had enough pent up frustrations for the day and have tried too hard to contain the angst.
The last thing I wanted would be for someone to guilt trip me.

I just need some quiet time on my own today.
The rest can wait till tomorrow.

So if you would excuse me, just for tonight.

明天，我会找回自己。

*..Nothing is in permanence..*

Feeling really strange now, a plethora of emotions.

It's like a sudden sense of awakening.
A sense of foreboding, of a friendship I so cherished in the past 1 year especially.

A person who've grown so close to me, she's almost like family - someone I'd talk to everyday, someone who'd share the every intricate details and mundane stories of her life with me...

Someone I thought could be one of my handful of life-long friends, on par with the a couple of friends I'd known for at least a decade... Yet this someone was a mere acquaintance just 3 years ago...

But all it took was one incident to chance this proximity.

Are humanly relationships that fragile?

It's unbelievable how this is causing me to lose sleep. Just brooding the entire day...

Like if someone gives up a friendship just for this vile reason, it says very much of the person doesn't it?

It makes me doubt if this friendship was ever true to begin with, or were there strings attached?

友谊不是如此的坚固？
不是说好有难同当，有福同享？
好友之间，不是该包含体谅与容忍？

原来，有些时候。。。
友谊是如此的脆弱。。。

Perhaps I was too trusting, too gullible of situations.

Perhaps I was wrong about the basis of this friendship.

Perhaps, I don't trust my judgment in deciding whom I should place my trust in anymore.

This definitely isn't the nicest of feelings.

怎么不知不觉，似乎产生被背叛的感觉？

是我想太多了，疑心了吗？
是我太傻了，太天真地付出心思吗？


"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin


If so, why do people even enter our lives, when they are gonna leave us one day?

*..Grief..*

Food for thought.
Peiwen just shared this with me, and indeed, it speaks volume.


Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn't jut death we have to grieve.

It's life.
It's loss.
It's change.

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad.

The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That's how you stay alive.
When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way.

It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.

And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief.
They look different on all of us, but there are always five.

Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

*..Happy 26th, to xq!..*

2359 hrs....

1 more min to a year of greatness and a year of dream pursuing! =)

Happy birthday, xq! As I bid goodbye to the mid-20s and embrace the late 20s.

=)