*..That fateful day..*

It just dawned on me that yesterday was the death anniversary of my paternal grandmother. Been out of touch with dates unless I see the calendar.

16th May 2003. It's been 6 years since. Indeed, feelings of forlorn & loss have faded with time, but the sweet 'ol memories of times spent with my grandma remains untainted and everlasting.

My only unfulfilled wish was, I didn't get to see her for one last time on her deathbed. And I had a nightmare the night before she passed away, dreamt of her funeral scene. Woke up in tears and told my dad the next morning that he must send me to her house after school. Who was to know that the dream was so spot-on.

When I was at school my brother smsed me: "Call mummy when you end class and when you're alone." and my heart sank to the bottom. Had a very bad sense of foreboding. Took a bus straight to her house for the funeral (cos they were hiding the news from me for a good 5-6 hrs so I wouldn't get affected and do badly in my Project Work presentation that day).

I didn't cry the 1st day as everything was too surreal and unbelievable. I couldn't stop crying the whole week after that. And each time I saw her tablet. Even at her death anniversaries when we paid our respect.

And the worst thing about her departure was, when I saw dad crying for the first time in my life. A strong man who always braved through all storms silently and without a word of complaint. Really pains me to see him wiping tears while driving, while watching tv in the living room with lights off etc.

The worst thing? She was cremated on dad's birthday that year, 18th May 2003. And I had my Chinese Orchestra concert at Singapore Conference Hall on that night too. Most confusing day ever, don't know whether to be happy or sad. No one dared to wish dad "Happy Birthday" cos we obviously knew it wasn't a happy one. There was no cake and celebration that year.

Hmmm, my greatest fear in life isn't failure, but death of loved ones. My top 3 fears are in this order:

(1) Death of loved ones
(2) Disappointing loved ones
(3) Failure

May my maternal grandmother live to a ripe old age! Hmm she's old already at 88, but I guess I'm just greedy. I want her to live to see her favourite grandson and grand daughter's wedding days..hahaha..... for that's her greatest wish to see the young ones getting hitched..

Really, that's the greatest fear on my mind now. Losing her and not having her by my side anymore.

My grandma's so cute! =) Listening to stories about her each time mum visits her brings a smile to my face.. Depending on how you choose to see things, her thoughts are so innocent and juvenile now, it just cracks you up. But then again, how saddening that old age has warped her perception of things.

Oh well, at least she's happy now and that's what matters most. Sigh, shoo! emo thoughts!