*..A Hundred Days..*

It's been a hundred days, and I've been kept busy by work and people.

Thought I'd take some time out to browse through the folder of photographs and videos I took of you in the past couple of years, and it hit me more badly than expected. All I wanted was to relive moments spent with you, and to reminisce memories of you. But I got more than what I'd hoped for.

There was a strange, inexplicable tingling sensation from within;
My heart wrenched;
Tightness in the throat;
My mind was racing with an avalanche of memories.

And I couldn't stop tearing as I watched the clips.

I didn't realize how much I've missed you.
Fridays are no longer the same anymore, just cos I used to visit you every Friday.

A 100 days, but I didn't miss you a hundred times less.

Somehow, it feels like you're so close by as the videos of you drew me in with your voice and smile.

It's like watching you talking to me directly, in real life.

I miss you, Ah Ma.
And I will see you when the time comes.

Thanks for watching over us all this while, and hope you're happy with Ah Gong in the netherworld.



On another note, Cecilia was telling us about this verse the other day.

2 Peter 3:8 - But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.


Indeed, we'll join you before you even know.
For time's passage is insignificant in heaven.

*..Like a bird in a cage..*

I feel like a bird in a cage, currently.
In more aspects of my life than one.

I feel like there's a gazillion things my heart tells me to do;
yet the brain wills me not to follow my heart.

My heart says I'm still young, hence I should follow my dreams and take risks;
yet the brain nags at me to remain in comfort zone and stay put.

My heart hates myself for giving in to the brain so much;
yet at times it makes itself heard and acts upon it.

The brain chides the heart for not contemplating hard enough on the possible consequences of following one's heart.

Prior to any form of decision, there's always so much to consider: the things you have to give up, the people you have to hurt or leave behind, the risks, the end of comfort zone and stepping feet into a new life, the people who talk about you incessantly, the fear of making the wrong move, the possibility of regret yet there's no turning back..

Well, basically.. fear of the unknown..

As the saying goes, our happiness is in our own hands. It is all up to ourselves.

It makes me wonder if my world view has been clouded all this while. To me, happiness is a grey line, a blurry shade that blends with all other emotions. I guess, happiness is seeing the people around me happy, living up to their expectations and what-nots.

The heart already knows the answer, but the mind is holding back. The mind says: "You have expectations to live up to, think for others."

The heart says: "What a dilemma, I just want to go into a deep sleep."

Alas, escapism prevails and all that remains is a heavy heart.

*..Now, or never..*

Kinda dreading the crazy project that commences tmr for a continuous 10 days. I think I'm gonna run out of drive already, despite not being too productive already in the first place.

This weekend was terrible, just feels lousy when people close to you don't trust you as you thought they would. Tears me apart actually, so I practically slept the entire weekend away. Adds on to the "no mood to do anything" feeling.

And so I turned down all the outings that was supposed to take place over the weekend, that I was looking forward to cos I'm gonna be MIA from tomorrow and stuck in the office.

With that decision, I further upset a few more friends. And one very close one in particular because she was looking forward to seeing me but I pulled out on her twice this week cos I have to stay home to settle some work stuff, and I just didn't have the heart to be out when I knew time was running out.

There are a few people ignoring me now, it's a terrible feeling. I don't like to be ignored. And it doesn't feel too good when my apologies are ignored too.

I've been staying in my room since yesterday afternoon. Just no mood for anything. Just want to go into the deepest sleep and not brood on anything.

I slept so much, I didn't manage to meet the supposed deadline of the wedding video today. I feel so much guilt, like I've let the wedding couple down. But they're so understanding, I need to complete by tomorrow. I need to do a good one =)

I don't know, I feel a massive mind blockage, like I can't do any work in this state. But time is running out. Night's gonna fall soon, it's now or never.

There's a heavy boulder upon my head; a weight pinning against my chest. It sounds so dramatic, but that's how I'm feeling now.

xq, quick snap out of it already. It's been 28 hours already.

This silence, it's deafening and eating me up. I just want to be in a complete state of unconsciousness. That would be perfect.

*..Darkness is all I see..*

So the past few days I've been feeling really down and out.
Like I've been looking forward to a brand new year of hope and surprises.

I've been looking forward to positivity in all areas of my life.
Yet it isn't looking as rosy as I'd painted in my mind.

I feel like I've lost the drive to work hard in the things I do.
I feel really sick of editing and FCP in all honesty.
Like I feel a little nauseous each time I look at the timeline on my screen.

I wonder why I'm always doing all these work and rushing for deadlines, not doing them because I really want to do it and I no longer look forward to savouring the end product.

You know, the satisfaction at the end of it all.

I've lost it.
At the end of each job, only one thought comes to mind: "Yay, deadline met. Now what's next? When is it due?"

So there's this wedding edit I've been dragging for a month already, the long version. Been distracted by side jobs and other more bugging deadlines. And this weekend is probably the last free slot I have to nail this. But I've been struggling to complete it, the finishing point just seems so far off.

As this irksome feeling (which I cannot explain) overwhelms me, I just want to escape into deep sleep and never wake up to the light of day.

Really hate doing work for the sake of delivering, where has the personal drive gone to? I think I've lost myself and I'm deeply saddened by this realization.

I feel so disappointed in myself, all of a sudden.

Got to snap out of these self-destructive thoughts.

This is such a familiar feeling- heavy head, even heavier heart. I remember feeling this depressed when I failed to meet personal expectations at significant stages of my life. Yet I don't understand why I'm feeling this way now.

*..Breathlessness..*

It's 3.09am.

I've been coughing incessantly since 8pm and feeling really breathless. To the point of wheezing.

I can't concentrate on my edit, due tomorrow morning.

There's a pulsating pressure against my chest and shortness of breath.
Never felt like that before, it really is quite a vulnerable feeling.

Why do I always fall sick when I have important deadlines to meet?

The self-medication isn't working.
Nor the tonnes of woods peppermints.

I fear I wouldn't wake up on time if I were to turn in now.

My throat is hurting so much it's inducing another round of fever which I just recovered from.

There's a looong day of work tomorrow, and it's so daunting.

I just pray for strength to last me through this week.

The editor I took over had a super messy media management, I'm having difficulties locating all the important footage.. In fact it's non-existent in the hard disk. I don't know, I guess I'm having a mind block right now.

I need a break.

It's tiring to cough non-stop.

*..Everything In His Time..*

Oftentimes, I lose sight of what lies ahead. I can't seem to see where this path eventually leads me to. It gets depressing and almost demoralizing.

Things aren't exactly turning out the way I had envisioned it to be after graduation. Not in a bad way, but just in an alternative way.

Unknowingly, I seem to be moving further away from my dream. To the point I question myself: "What is my dream?"

I begin to doubt, mostly myself. My aspirations and dreams, where have they gone to? What have they become?

Everything's way too cloudy, it's almost as if I'd unwittingly decided to remain in comfort zone too comfortably and conveniently. I've been taking things as they come, but shouldn't I be taking things in my hands and steering them towards my goals and dreams?

A friend shared this verse with me, one I constantly remind myself of.


Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NKJV)
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

Wait upon Him. His plans might not necessarily be our plans. Just be faithful and pray. Bless others just as He has blessed u.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. [12] Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. [13] You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


I need to use my heart more. Been relying too much on my head these days.
That's right, back to retrospection in lalaland. =)

*..Sleepless-ness..*

That said, this shall be a random post. Of remnants and pieces.

Been really nua in recent weeks, hence I take a really long time to get into the "editing mood", especially so on weekends.

Just find it sickening that I've already faced FCP for 5 full days and on my weekends I have to face good 'ol FCP again.

On a lighter note, LOVE my new macbook pro. Photos next time.

Did amendments for an event video we shot in early November and somehow the more I looked at the edit, the more I wanted to change it. And so I did, tried to dig through the 7358322 shots and thankfully I was on shoot that day, so nothing looked unfamiliar.

Done exporting and now I'm sending the file over.

6.11am now, and I had wanted to wake up at 8am...but I postponed my timing to 9am.. fingers crossed...

I'm just ranting on, cos I fear that the file send would fail. So this is my means of keeping myself awake.

So many things have happened the past couple of weeks, so much so, it feels like the longest few weeks of my life. A mix of good and bad, of disappointments and surprises, of joy and sorrow, of encouragement and discouragement...

As the year of 2011 comes to a close, I find myself becoming more sentimental with each night. Reminiscent, reflective, retrospective, philosophical at times.

Life's so quizzical, I'm practically living by the dayJOB. How my days turn out depend immensely on what project I'm doing for that particular time period. My life revolves around work.

I wish I had a more interesting life sometimes. Been questioning myself for the longest time, and I'm quite sure this stage of life, I'd want to focus my energies on work and relationships.

Narrowed down my social circle alot, as I figured along the way how some friends I thought to be true, turned out to be otherwise. These days, I just spend more time and effort talking to the handful who truly matter to me. Those who've been with me through my inner storms. Truly appreciate every small gesture of concern towards me from these people.

18 minutes remaining of the file transfer.

Let's see...

There's so much on my mind, I can't contain them all.

This is a tough period for many of my good friends. Somehow, time coincides and everything snapped almost too suddenly. I want to be there for them, yet I've no supernatural healing powers. Just pray for speedy recovery for these people, for them to open their hearts, pick themselves up from whatever falls and bruises suffered.

Look to the future, boundless and limitless. =)


On hindsight, I think I'm gonna die at work tmr. I have erm...2 hours left to sleep..

GOOD JOB XQ! What's new? =(

*..If only this is one dream we could all wake up from..*

I used to wonder, which is worse?
Losing your dream job/losing a golden opportunity at work or losing a loved one?

Tonight, the answer came clear.
Every lost opportunity stands a probable chance of resurfacing;
It might not be "never", but "not now".

But losing a loved one is an irreversible occurrence.
There is no replay, there is no mercy.

I feel really empty now, so much so, I can't comprehend this emotion.

I'm happy or rather, relieved in a way;
yet I'm devastated - like I've lost a part of my life.

I used to think losing all the data in my hp would equate to losing a part of my life... but that is nothing compared to losing a loved one.

I've officially lost my last grandparent to the heavens.
The last, but not the least.

The one I loved most dearly,
whom I shed the most tears for;

The one who brought me the most laughter,
and also the one I was willing to do anything for;

The one who taught me the only dialect I know - Teochew,
whom I enjoy talking to but I can never talk to her again;

The one I could spend all day stroking her head and fanning her with the old-school fan,who would in turn share all her snacks and favourite food with me;

The one who I looked forward to visiting every Saturday in my childhood days,
who emptied her entire refrigerator and piles Vitagen, Marigold fruit juice, Jelly and chocolates into my arms;

The one who taught me the old school string game,
and folded paper cranes, frogs, shirts and pants for me;

The one who shielded me from my mum's detrimental cane when I was young,
and oftentimes reminded me not to make my mum angry as I grew up;

The one who craves for kopi-o, ice-cream, kfc, carrot cake in her "last" days, yet could no longer eat nor drink in her actual last days;

The one who loved ranting on and on (and I probably inherited this trait from her), yet could no longer speak her last words to her loved ones;

The one I've shared 25 years of memories with,
yet she can never live to see the day I get married;

The one I've wanted to take a photo with in my graduation robe and bridal gown,
but it is all too late now;

The one who would dry my tears and cajole me to sleep in her Teochew lullaby,
yet she can no longer dab my tears dry right now;

The wrinkled hand I never wanted to let go of each time you feel scared,
just like how you used to hold my hand when I was afraid.

I stroked your forehead, parted your hair...

I held on tight to your fingers, just so you knew I was there with you...
Your hands, they grew cold - I held on to your palm tighter.

Your left arm, it was swelling so bad...it pained me so much...
Like a razor that pierced right through me.

Holding on to your hand never failed to give me comfort,
Even as you left us for a better place, it felt good just holding on to your hand.

You wiped off my tears when I was young,
but tonight I had to wipe yours dry.

Why did you tear so many times tonight?
Were you frightened?
Were you worried about leaving us behind?
Were you wondering where some of your unfilial kids were?

Most of all, I wanted to ask...
Did you momentarily recognize us all?
For you've clean forgotten everyone of us in your state of dementia.

The way you looked at us just now, it seemed like you recognized us.
The way you opened your mouth, gasping for air...
as though trying to tell us something..

Were you trying to call us by our names?

I wanted to kiss you goodbye,
but I was contemplating...
cos I didn't really wanna say goodbye to you...
not yet...

I asked myself, why did I not visit you earlier?
Being busy with work was no excuse.

I had wanted to camp over the hospice tonight,
but I guess you didn't want to tire us out like back in August.

You always placed everyone else above yourself.

There's too many things I want to say to you, Ah Ma.
To infinity, and I can never finish saying them all.

I hope you're in a better place right now.
Watching over us from above, smiling down on us.

Yet the thought that you're alone in the resting place of the hospice right now for another few hours disturbs me alot.

I hope you're on the other side, living in bliss right now.
With Ah Gong and your family you've missed dearly.
We will join you when our time comes.
Meanwhile, you'll be kept dearly in our hearts.

I'll cherish the many memories you've shared with me.
The life values you've imparted to me.
The words of wisdom you've whispered to me.
The photos and videos that I've captured of you.

拥有您的呵护，您温馨的爱，
是我一生最幸福的时光。
谢谢您带给我的回忆，
我会牢牢记在心底。
因为有您这么伟大的阿嬷，
才会有我那么幸福的孙女。

只想永远紧握住您的手，
继续活得更精彩，
让您为我这孙女感到光荣与欣慰。

24th November 2011,
2355 hrs.

Rest in peace, Ah Ma.
You'll always hold a special place in my heart. =)



And almost too suddenly, I'm feeling a massive void in my life already.

一个永远无法弥补的洞。
谢谢您那无微不至的爱。。。

*..The world is a dark hole..*

一向来，我都是很诚恳地待人，
尤其对于好朋友 － 我更是毫无防务地对待。

直到最近，
才恍然大悟，
原来，有时候我们最信任的知己才是最恶毒的敌人。

这世界根本没我想像的单纯。
凡是都有可恶的一面。

这庞大的世界，是黑暗的。
从今天起，我要加强谨慎，
做好所有的防备措施。。。

再也不会傻傻地吃亏，
永远不要再受到伤害了。

Once bitten, twice shy.
I guess I've learned my lesson the painful way.

*..Not Never, just Not Now..*

xq turns all retrospective in the wee hours of the night.

Been in deep thought about my career path, the possibilities and permutations of how things could or would turn out with every decision I make along the journey, be they big or small.

It's easy to say "Leave it in His hands." or "Take a step at a time." Yet it's innately humane to feel impatient about the route ahead, to question the plans in store for us.

With regards to the issue that has been affecting me more than I'd imagine it would, Uncle kx told me: "It's a good sign, shows that you're meant to enjoy a boss' life!" How optimistic to see things in this manner, yet I no longer know what to think of it anymore.

Panda told me to adopt a 平常心, to just take things as they come my way. To just treat everyone genuinely and sincerely as before, and whatever will be, will be.

Was looking forward to November initially, but now I wish I had greater foresight and made wiser decisions that would hurt myself less.

Really a lousy feeling to be someone's substitute. Doing things that others 嫌弃 isn't all that great a feeling too.

But I guess in more ways than one, this is a true test for me mentally and emotionally. Just as surviving AFC was a test for me and I survived it, and gained more than I could imagine. The things that $ cannot buy - mentorships, friendships, experience, memories and working relationships.

Was reading my recent entries and realized that since graduation in May 2011, all I ever blog about is work-related.

The irony, as Mimi told me last week: "Life is more than a job." Followed by a really touching story which I will keep for another time, a shining star who've inspired and touched me in an inexplicable way. A story that reminds me of how fortunate I already am, and to feel more satisfied with what I'm blessed with.


当你迷失了方向，该走哪条路？


I guess no one really knows the answer, something that will keep us in constant search for the unknown.


也许，最明确的选择就是顺气自然。
跌倒了，勇敢地爬起；
失落时，自己擦干眼泪；
灰心了，千万不要死心；
辛苦时，咬紧牙根努力奋斗。



Do everything in Faith =) Jiayou xq, you are stronger than this. Put it all behind you, it really is a new beginning here forth.


My life motto since a couple of months ago: "Love what you do, do what you love." Really hope to fulfill this by 2012 hopefully. =)


On a lighter note, it's HONEY's birthday today, 31st Oct 2011. =) Honey is the name of Panda's new van =) Had our 1st ride in it tonight, woo!!! Time to decor the empty van with dumb little items.

放得下，看得开，
才能飞得更高更远。

*..若隐若现..*

转眼间，已毕业两个月了。
第一份 project 在5月25日，今天已经工作了2个月。
6月忙忙碌碌，忙得没消遣时间。
7月忙碌了一阵子，之后和朋友聚集了许多， 和家人吃饭逛街。

突然间有种失落感， 似乎看不清未来， 摸不住梦想；
不禁问自己， 这一切切的美梦，是否会成真？
无知的自己， 是否隆隆撞撞， 无意中迷路了吗？


当你迷失了方向，该走哪条路？

*..What is life?..*

Sometimes I ask myself, what is it I seek in life?
Life after graduation?

Is it passion or bread & butter.
Ideally, it'd be both- bread & butter a subset of passion.
But 1.5 months on, I realize how impossible it is to attain my ideal scenario.

And so I see myself selling myself to work.
Slave to work.
Slave to my employers.
Slave to the Macs.

I've been eating practically every meal in front of the computer when I'm at work, there isn't time to eat out like what normal office workers should do. And that is if I even have time to eat at all.

Hmm I think I've lost another 2-3 kg. Yikes, I will never reach my old weight at the rate I'm going.

Emily's right. My life is unpredictable, shall see how long I can last in this state of life.

I'm not complaining, just maybe whining a little. But sometimes I just feel so deprived of my own time, "me" time, time with family and friends, time with loved ones, leisure time... I feel constantly nervous, anxious and paranoid - because I have to be at so many places within the same day. Or when projects clash, I feel very bothered emotionally as I feel the obligation to be at both places at the same time.

Just as I thought projects are clearing up, new projects creep up and...they are showing signs of clashing already. ARGH, I was super free for the past 3 days and nothing cropped up. But the moment I had something on today, everything just had to coincide somehow or other.

Sometimes I wish...
Life could be more predictable and more stable.

But then again, maybe that's what makes life interesting now.
Like I made 3 new friends today =)

But I'm sad that I got to wake up in 2 hrs' time for work.
Crazy deadlines keep surrounding me.
Like today I had 3 hours to finish a 1st cut for Singtel. CRAZY OR WHAT! Then carolyn and I stayed in office till 3am, because client is viewing it again at friggin 9am tomorrow. And there were quite a lot of changes.

Fingers crossed, feeling really...
unsettled.

*..真的累了..*

只剩寥寥的6个星期就毕业了，但教授都毫无犹豫地把我们折磨得团团转。。。功课，作业，讲座，报告， 许多而外活动，似乎要我们的命。
累得什么都不想做，
迫不及待把一切烦恼抛到九霄云外；
累得没有冲劲，
所做的东西都是在为了达到作业的需求而做的，不再出自内心。

Feeling so insecure and stressed now, I can't believe I would actually feel this way again.

A mere 6 weeks, and the workload keeps piling up like nobody's business and we don't see any end to the list of deadlines.  So much for them planning for the syllabus- actually only one professor keeps tilting our equilibrium of deadlines- but one is lethal enough - for he's the one taking us for the 2 most important and tedious modules of the final semester.

STOP GIVING US GROUP ASSIGNMENTS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF GIVING! Really senseless doing non-related assignments so he could make up our percentages. Really sick of assignments that pop up at the very last moment - his emails are never about good news. Honestly, we are all working on very tight timelines now, the worst thing is to tie us down with scheduling of group meetings. Zzzz.

=( I feel guilty if I even sleep these days. For the amount of work we have on hand (and god knows how much more hidden homework we have), is enough to last us for months and months, but we have only 6 weeks left.  It seems that even in the event that we do not sleep at all due to some special prowess possessed, it is still impossible to complete the tasks on hand.

That said, I'm in a depressive state.
Shall go into hibernation from the world after this week.
SIGH. ALL THAT ANGST.

And now, we even have to go to school on our "free" days which we could have used to catch up on our deadlines. School till 9pm tmr, when it's our free day.

Life is really boring now.
Seriously can't wait for graduation.
May 22nd.

But that would mark the parting of ways of precious friendships.
Sigh, I hate departures and partings.

New beginnings- they are but a love-hate "entity" to me.

*..Silent Night..*

3.04am.
I feel so strange, especially in the wee hours of the night.

Like the next day's approaching, but somehow i dread its approach.
Like the past day had passed peacefully and everything's in control;
Yet it's beyond my ability to ensure the next day would pass unscathed.

The insecurity of losing someone dear to me.
The ticking clock of it possibly happening just about anytime. 
We're never ever ready to come to accepting terms with death, are we?
At least, I know- I'll never ever be ready.

It's a conflicting battle within.
As much as I yearn to spend all my time with her;
I struggle with actually visiting her.
For each time I come face to face with her-
It pains me a little more, it tears me apart a little more.

On Tuesday, Grandma gave me a task.
She asked me to develop photos of the important people in her life, her children, grandchildren especially- so that she can look at us everyday and remember us when we visit her.

I wasn't sure how she managed such coherent thoughts in her state of dementia, but somehow I felt she really knew what she was saying there and then. She even described in full detail and repetitively the size of the photographs she wanted.  She folded pieces of tissue paper and measured with her imaginary ruler to the precision of a 4R-sized photograph, occasionally comparing delicately against the photo on the screen of my camera.

It's amazing, really it was. Her look of concentration. 

A simple wish of hers, that I want to fulfil. I'll make a trip down to the photo-developing place on Monday after school =)  And on Tuesday, this wish of hers would be fulfilled.

On recent visits, I find myself taking random pictures of her- as though I sub-consciously want to eternalize every moment spent with her. And even video snippets of our random conversations.

Her every smile, her every laughter, her every playful moment.
Less her pain, less her sorrows, less her sufferings.
I wish I could take all of those away from her.

Please don't take her away from me.
Times like this, that I don't feel like going for my HK Filmart trip anymore.

These days, I just want to be there for my mum.  It must be more difficult for her. I don't know how to make her feel better, except for thinking up little things to make her happy. 

*..Writing, writing, writing...*

530am now and it's gonna be a sleepless night.

But I must applaud myself for completing 3 film write-ups in one night! =) Not bad, considering I'm doing this on top of all the emotional and psychologically draining events that took place in the 2nd half of today.

(1) The King's Speech for International Film Survey

(2) The Crying Game for International Film Survey

 The Crying Game is really such a meaningful film on further analysis, my favourite scene in the film is here!





(3) Comparison of Throne of Blood with Macbeth for Literature of Diverse Culture

Haven't spent such a long time at a hospital visitation, it's really emotionally draining- having to smile and laugh and assure yourself that everything's gonna be okay; yet on one hand know that it's never gonna be okay, not anymore.  Not since the day I accompanied her to the Emergency ward on the ambulance in November 2008. A memory that would haunt me endlessly at the thought of it.

*..Dear Grandma..*

Went for the YOUF Charity Screening at Vivo with Yvonne and Janice just now, and watched Anthony Chen's "Ah Ma" for the 2nd time.  The impact was greater on the big screen this time round, compared to the projection LCM showed us in class back in 2008.

It's a simple film, of a family's reaction and anguish for their dying grandmother. Yet it tugs at my heartstrings in a very realistic way. Simply because it happens to just about anyone.

So when I got home and mum told me that Ah Ma got hospitalized again today, I was very taken aback and upset. Then I got afraid.  She was in a pretty bad state during the 1st day of CNY, as she was just discharged from a 2 week stay in hospital just 2.5 weeks ago.  She could barely walk and her blackened legs were kinda in a very bad state.  She was scrawny, it pained me to hold her hands.  It was heartwrenching supporting her by the arm, waiting ages for her to take a single step at a time.

CNY just isn't fulfilling anymore, since we started visiting her at the nursing home instead of her house. No more angpows and blessings from her, no more home cooked fare, no more showering of gifts, no more alertness of the mind.  It's been only 3 years, but it feels like forever already.

She was much better when I visited her last week, she joked with me and her laughter warms my heart. She hugged me and patted me. In her state of dementia, she said something to me, almost like she was well again: "You're my good granddaughther. Good girl, good girl. How can I not love you?"  I almost teared right there and then.  It reminded me that, she still loves me from deep within. It was a basic instinct.

Shall visit her at the hospital tmr after school.  I never liked the sight of Ah Ma on the hospital bed, with tubes inserted all over her. 

I'm so afraid, afraid of the unknown.
Of her well-being.
Of the entire ageing process of my loved ones.

I pray that Ah Ma will be hale and hearty all over again, till her last days.
Happiness and good health.
That's my greatest wish for her.

*..Had a bad day?..*

(Q) What could be any worse than having had a bad day at school and at shoot?

(A) Having cooped all your thoughts, frustrations and emotions within you the entire day because all you have around you were your project mates whom you aren't that close to and hence not appropriate candidates to share your thoughts with.  To top it off, you had to always put on a smile to PR and smile smile at your talent and his daughter, when you don't actually feel too good within.  And then rushing your 2 hours duration footage of Chinese interviews, transcribing them in English as quickly as you can so you can have dinner with someone closer to you.  Taking the effort to travel to where the person is, and then realize within 15 minutes that the person you thought would make your best listening ear and emotional support was none other than the one who would make your day worse.  And in turn implies that you were being unreasonable and selfish in wanting to meet up.   

To top it off, reaching home lying on your bed for an hour or so, and realize that you're having some difficulty bending your toe. Walked out of the pitch black bedroom, only to see that your toe is half covered in blue-black (cos you cleverly walked right into the leg of a chair at the girls' apartment earlier in the day). 

Life sucks.
At least for now.
Can't believe there's class tomorrow.
Can't believe I have to see the faces of you two-faced serpents.
Can't believe I have no more life till the edit is done.
Can't believe I actually have to stay overnight in school tomorrow.
Can't believe I only had one bowl of soup and 3 fish balls the entire shoot day. 

Can't believe so many things.

Like,
how my grandmother is hospitalized now and my mum could actually hide from me for a few days, so as not to distract me from my shoot.

You know, I love my grandma, but I haven't exactly been visiting her proper in at least 3 months.  I pray for good health i for grandma in the years to come, and a speedy recovery.

Times like this, that I feel like disappearing for awhile. Take a breather, come back for a helluva new ride.

*..2 weeks into January 2011..*

And I still tend to write 2010.

Life has been a whirlwind, 2 weeks passed us by just like that. It's just the 1st week of school, but this seems to go on forever. Like so much has happened in the past 7 days since 6th January, and we are already halfway into this accelerated module. It is times like this that make me realize how much we can actually achieve within a day, considering we have lessons from 10am-1pm, and often our day ends at 10-11pm after project meetings/discussions, location recces, bringing the US exchange students on trips. And we had shoot on Sat and Sun as well, hence it's been 7 days of continuous action. And counting.

The US people would be going to Malacca over the weekends, and I'm looking forward to catching my breath and probably packing my room for the CNY. But oh no, I guess I might have to go out film some B-rolls or what-nots. And erm, more pre-production, possible re-crafting of story.

Life is sad. Principle photography takes place on Monday and Tuesday, editing from Wed and it's due the following Wed. Basically, I foresee no-lifer weeks all the way through 26th January. Hmm or maybe not, if all goes smoothly and we manage to edit at lightning pace.

Right now, things are unsettling and feeling so insecure. Thank god for group mates like Sulaiman, times like this that you need someone responsible to fight the battle with you.

Just hoping for the best for everything, for prompt replies from everyone we email; flexible scheduling in all we require; cooperative locations when seeking filming permits; and most importantly, please DO NOT dua us, dear cast! You are our everything! Without you, what film can we make out of nothingness.

Really frightened now, but there's not much we can do as yet.

And for some reason, I've been feeling strange of late. Missing just about everyone else in my life, because all I ever see and spend time with the whole day are my 4 other group members. Other Chapman mates, I see them, but yet I don't really see them. We just get to interact for that mere 15 minute break between tutorial, before everyone breaks off into their respective filming groups.

Most of all, I miss the girls- glad we have been able to spend time with each other here and there. Gina, JIAYOU OK!! we're always here for you =)

Above all, I miss people in PL Gang! Like mole pervert, fionna pervert, NWJ, xiaobai, SKINNY LYT, neo shimin, and so many more =) Mimi yeo, 24/03 people, alex aka "xq", my laopopo Joanne-marie....

Have several gatherings to organize, but it seems that I can only be available after Jan 26th when this module ends.

2011, a year of speed and precision. So many things changing, I can't hardly catch up as yet. I haven't even had my 2011 resolution post, or a recap of my 2010. Maybe this weekend I will =)

Nonetheless, this is a good experience...I really like the US exchange kids. Yes they may look much older than us, but they really are kids at 19 or 20. I feel really olddddddd already.

SERIOUSLY? WE ARE GONNA TURN 25 THIS YEAR??? SINCE WHEN!!!!

On a side note, I wish I were rich at this moment. There's so many things I need to do, all of which I cannot do without the presence of $$$$!!

(1) Buy a new digicam to replace my spoilt one (eyeing the black IXUS 130IS)

(2) HK Filmart. Thinking if I should go HK this March for the film market again. Somehow the whole world's going this year, seems really fun to be part of it. BUT....but....$310 just for the air tickets... For a similar amount of money, I could be in Taiwan! Or Bangkok! Eating and shopping like mad...

Sigh the dilemma?

(3) US Hollywood exchange: We have to confirm our interest for HK Filmart & exchange prog all by this week. But seriously, no money no talk. As much as I would want to go, it just doesn't seem very practical for me to incur myself in more debt. We're talking about $10000-$15000 here.

Le sigh. LIFE IS REALLY SAD, tell me about it!

Goodnight, another long day tmr. I feel really, really sick of the sickening routine of school and project. We should not be expected to shoot 2 documentaries in a mere 2.5 weeks. LIFE IS SAD, SAD IS LIFE!

*..I hate this already..*

I feel so sick of school already, despite it being just the 1st day.

The sight of the jam-packed timeline just irks me out.
Such a turn-off.

The uncertainty.
The feeling of being tied down to just one thing for the month of January.
The looming thought that student life will be over in 4.5 months' time.

26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!
26th January hurry come to xq!

I can't wait! Cos that's the end of inter-term module! I love shooting documentaries, but surely, we need more time to plan for everything right? Hate doing things for the sake of meeting deadlines, hate doing things blindly to fulfill course requirements.

The mechanical flow of things, almost robotic. Almost, irksome.

I feel so damn sian, I can't get to sleep now.

*..Life is miserable..*

Just puckered enough courage to check my overall grades for Sem 3. And it's really weird, comparing the alphabetical representation to the numerical representation of each module.

So the grades are SUPPOSED to be as follows:
A+ = 100%
A = >95%
A- = >90%
B+ = >85%
B = >80%
B- = >75%
C+ = >70%
C = >65%
C- = >60%

Any lower, D or F, kinda failed already.

xq's results for Sem 3.

Then I referred to the numerical equivalent and they don't really tally.

Internet Comm : 94.6% (A, ok I think the lecturer rounded up)

Indie Film: Graded us in alphabetical form for all fields, so no diff.

Senior Proj: 1 field wasn't graded so final marks might be inaccurate.

Law & Contracts: 86.5% (Should be B+, but reflected B. Means B+ is from 87-90%? makes no sense for the small range)

Finance: 91% (A-, this one is correct)

VERY UPSET! HATE Bs! They pull down the GPA alot, but I can't hate C any worse. Got 2 Cs for non-transparent reasons last sem too.

But then again, should be thankful there were no Cs this time round. Phew. JIAYOU XQ! 6 more modules to go, 5 more months. Before we join the scary workforce.

We musn't let numerical and alphabetical representations pull us down in what we aim for. Yet the greatest irony of all is, how much of a role these figures and alphabets play in scholarship applications.

It's such a hate-hate thing, not even love-hate.

Life is very sad, especially when my precious IXUS is spoilt. And the warranty was up on 5th Dec 2010. Couldn't the camera have spoilt mysteriously 25 days earlier? OH MAN. Shall see what I can negotiate with the service centre tmr.

The only way to make 2010 end great is....to give me a free servicing for the IXUS! And erm, better still, free replacement set!! WOOHOO!! But the latter is highly impossible. Meanwhile, I've been sneaking around with the warranty documents and trying to decipher things here and there...Just 'cos I'll be minced meat if mum finds out it's spoilt.

STUPID LENS ERROR! WHY DO YOU HAPPEN SO RANDOMLY?!?! the cam has never given me a single problem, and it suddenly died on me with some disgusting clicking sound when I was about to off it.

VERY ANGSTY NOW.