*..37627532 things on my mind..*

This feeling, it's way too familiar.
Heavy-hearted, depressive feeling, no mood for anything, the urge to sleep excessively.

I always do that as a form of escapism at crunch time, when I feel the incompetency to complete all the tasks on hand to my bestest ability. =(  Okay xq, this is so not the time to feel like that. Just a mere 3 weeks of hard work and it will be over.  Even if you'd wanted to do more, you won't have any assignments from school to do for the rest of your life!

But still...
Kill me now.

Amidst the 896387452873 deadlines that are almost impossible to complete in this crazy time frame, I wonder why there are other things that are out to kill me and steal my time from assignments.

1. xq is I/C of Chapman University's Network Party invites
2. xq must do a shoot (yet again) for bro on Monday.
3. thereafter, xq must EDIT the things all over again.
4. xq must do some photoshop annoying shit for bro's biz pitch.
5. xq is still caught within the most &%^&#$%&^ library saga of the year. Have to meet the dean here and there for unnecessary interrogation, when I'm really but the victim of poor administrative procedures on the part of the stupid library.

So all of these ^$^%#^ things here and there, distracting me and taking time away from my non-existent free time in the next 2-3 weeks.

Sigh, depression has hit xq. It's been confirmed by the 4 hr nap I just took for no apparent reason.

AND THIS IS CONTRIBUTING TO MY FOUL MOOD as it is. Spent the whole morning converting the video to the appropriate format, filled up the film fest form and then it failed. 

And when i woke up I did something really stupid. Sent an email to my professor instead of gina because their emails appear next to each other in gmail. Lucky I didn't mention anything in the text body, but still! PAISEH MUCH!

Meanwhile, I just wanna shivel up and dieeeee. =(

*..Had a bad day?..*

(Q) What could be any worse than having had a bad day at school and at shoot?

(A) Having cooped all your thoughts, frustrations and emotions within you the entire day because all you have around you were your project mates whom you aren't that close to and hence not appropriate candidates to share your thoughts with.  To top it off, you had to always put on a smile to PR and smile smile at your talent and his daughter, when you don't actually feel too good within.  And then rushing your 2 hours duration footage of Chinese interviews, transcribing them in English as quickly as you can so you can have dinner with someone closer to you.  Taking the effort to travel to where the person is, and then realize within 15 minutes that the person you thought would make your best listening ear and emotional support was none other than the one who would make your day worse.  And in turn implies that you were being unreasonable and selfish in wanting to meet up.   

To top it off, reaching home lying on your bed for an hour or so, and realize that you're having some difficulty bending your toe. Walked out of the pitch black bedroom, only to see that your toe is half covered in blue-black (cos you cleverly walked right into the leg of a chair at the girls' apartment earlier in the day). 

Life sucks.
At least for now.
Can't believe there's class tomorrow.
Can't believe I have to see the faces of you two-faced serpents.
Can't believe I have no more life till the edit is done.
Can't believe I actually have to stay overnight in school tomorrow.
Can't believe I only had one bowl of soup and 3 fish balls the entire shoot day. 

Can't believe so many things.

Like,
how my grandmother is hospitalized now and my mum could actually hide from me for a few days, so as not to distract me from my shoot.

You know, I love my grandma, but I haven't exactly been visiting her proper in at least 3 months.  I pray for good health i for grandma in the years to come, and a speedy recovery.

Times like this, that I feel like disappearing for awhile. Take a breather, come back for a helluva new ride.

*..Life is miserable..*

Just puckered enough courage to check my overall grades for Sem 3. And it's really weird, comparing the alphabetical representation to the numerical representation of each module.

So the grades are SUPPOSED to be as follows:
A+ = 100%
A = >95%
A- = >90%
B+ = >85%
B = >80%
B- = >75%
C+ = >70%
C = >65%
C- = >60%

Any lower, D or F, kinda failed already.

xq's results for Sem 3.

Then I referred to the numerical equivalent and they don't really tally.

Internet Comm : 94.6% (A, ok I think the lecturer rounded up)

Indie Film: Graded us in alphabetical form for all fields, so no diff.

Senior Proj: 1 field wasn't graded so final marks might be inaccurate.

Law & Contracts: 86.5% (Should be B+, but reflected B. Means B+ is from 87-90%? makes no sense for the small range)

Finance: 91% (A-, this one is correct)

VERY UPSET! HATE Bs! They pull down the GPA alot, but I can't hate C any worse. Got 2 Cs for non-transparent reasons last sem too.

But then again, should be thankful there were no Cs this time round. Phew. JIAYOU XQ! 6 more modules to go, 5 more months. Before we join the scary workforce.

We musn't let numerical and alphabetical representations pull us down in what we aim for. Yet the greatest irony of all is, how much of a role these figures and alphabets play in scholarship applications.

It's such a hate-hate thing, not even love-hate.

Life is very sad, especially when my precious IXUS is spoilt. And the warranty was up on 5th Dec 2010. Couldn't the camera have spoilt mysteriously 25 days earlier? OH MAN. Shall see what I can negotiate with the service centre tmr.

The only way to make 2010 end great is....to give me a free servicing for the IXUS! And erm, better still, free replacement set!! WOOHOO!! But the latter is highly impossible. Meanwhile, I've been sneaking around with the warranty documents and trying to decipher things here and there...Just 'cos I'll be minced meat if mum finds out it's spoilt.

STUPID LENS ERROR! WHY DO YOU HAPPEN SO RANDOMLY?!?! the cam has never given me a single problem, and it suddenly died on me with some disgusting clicking sound when I was about to off it.

VERY ANGSTY NOW.

*..Hello Mr Sun..*

It's 632am now.....

.....but the sun's rising already.
.....I'm listening to all songs emo nemo to feel better, to no avail.
.....I don't even bother to try sleeping, because I know I won't be able to.
.....and I THINK I'm hungry, yet I don't have any appetite.

The last time I ate was Saturday night 11pm for supper, unless you consider 2 spoons of plain rice at 4pm today proper food. And omg, this is the 2nd day this week I barely ate.



It's 636am now.....

.....and I think I'll take a pass at school for today, the 1st time this semester.
.....but I will be good and stay home to finish up the tonnes of homework which I was supposed to do but shit happens and you just can't get yourself to do them anymore.



It's 639am now.....

.....I'm thinking if I should watch another movie, just watched "Made Of Honour".
.....and I'm wondering if all of these are just pointless.
.....and my head has been hurting so bad for the past 8 hours.
.....I'm beginning to see stars.



It's 640am now.....

.....and this hurt is not going away the slightest bit.



It's 641am now.....

.....and I feel like an elephant's tugging at my heart.

Yet there's nothing I can do to alleviate this pain, just 'cos Dada and Pink Pink are hung in the toilet to dry. Mummy decided to give them a shower whilst I was out today.



It's 641am now.....

.....and I'm wondering why she had to wash them today of all days, just as I needed them the most.

"A Tale From The Script" (2009) had a quote that rang a bell to me the moment I watched it: "There are a few right answers to every occasion." This is something so true, yet ironically, is what most people tend to overlook at times.



It's 647am now.....

.....I don't know what to think or say anymore
-- For it doesn't matter what I think or say.

*..Officially Depressed..*

Till 18th December 2010.

xq's holidays are from 18th Dec 2010 to 5th January 2011. Then, after 19 days of short-lived joy, there will be Cross-Cultural Documentary Inter-term with the CHAPMAN US STUDENTS on exchange in SG.  Hence, xq will be officially depressed again from 6th January 2011 till graduation on 22nd May 2011.

I hate deadlines.
I hate quizzes.
I hate writing.
I hate essays.
I hate readings.
I hate reading emails.
I hate presentations.

And most of all,
I hate exams.

School is starting to be such a dread.

Some things about school may be fun, but too much of something becomes really annoying.

Time to close myself in my room for a stretch of time, to finish up whatever I have on hand.

Le sigh.
Just updated my scheduler and in a mere 4 weeks, there's just too much to be executed.

Welcome to the life of a final year dying student.
Where work just avalanches in an upward manner till it reaches the summit. 


I miss the carefree times already =(

totally lost my mood to sleep tonight.
ANGST AT ITS PEAK.

*..In Loving Memory..*

Today's a sad day. I haven't cried over a furry animal part from Ham Ham since the death of my 2 guinea pigs when I was in Primary 4. Of course Ham Ham is still alive (and for a good many more years I insist!) But sometimes the thought of her having to leave us one day unwittingly brings tears to my eyes.

And today, slave broke news to me about Roo's tragic demise. It all came so suddenly. Roo is slave's bro's studio cat, one of the 2.

And in the most dramatic way, I had quick flashbacks of the times Roo bullied me, of me bullying Roo, filming down moments of his interaction with Boots (the other cat)...and how Boots has been behaving in the strangest manner the past one week, walking around in search of Roo, as though looking for her companion. Mewing pitifully when her search was to no avail.

Who would have thought?
The fragility of life, much less, a cat's life.
And they say a cat has 9 lives, how wrong we all are.

Rest in peace, Roo. May your body rest in a safe place, where you're happily tucking into infinite amounts of yummy treats.

We'll remember you for all the laughter and screams you've brought us.
Your silly and somewhat crazy antics.
Thank you for making a difference in our lives.
And in Boots' life as well.

You know, it's times like this, that I realize how precious the photographs and endless videos I have of Roo, actually are. Which is exactly why I have been taking photos and videos of every other thing, as a point of reference when these things , moments or even people are no longer with me-- figuratively or physically.

Only then, would these cherished moments stay by my side till eternity.

Hence, "Take a picture and it will last longer."

*..101010 was annoying..*

Stayed over at miss mole's house to help out in her tabulation of marks and counting of summary words to facilitate her marking of the final year papers of her sec 1 students.  And she treated us to macs breakfast in the morning.  We decided to ask xiaobai along and she did come! =)

but that was about all that was nice to 101010. Nice date, but sucky day it turned out to be.

had wanted to watch Memento with slave.  but the moment I got home and checked my email, I was greeted by this annoying announcement from my lecturer.

So they were mostly due in class on Wednesday and he very conveniently brought forward everything to sunday night. And mind you, some of the things could take an eternity to do. Esp the story outline/treatment for Senior Project.

And so xq spent 1-5pm doing poster for Indie Film with Joanna mary, email blasts. Getting all angsty with Photoshop simply becos I'm lousy at it and really sucks to know what you want to achieve, but not be able to do that due to restrictions of my limited (lousy) skill.  Had to keep googling for step by step guides.

Spent 5-8pm brainstorming my story idea and loopholes with slave. It would have taken weeks if I'd done it alone.

8-9pm eating nice dinner by mama foo. Oh that 2nd nice thing of 101010.

9-1am typing my treatment in full, 5 pages of prose. Only to realize at the end of it that there are still many loopholes to the story.  But still submitted it just to meet the deadline. Shall refine it when time permits or inspiration strikes.

1-2am thinking and typing out my marketing and distribution plan but gave up halfway cos my brain could not decipher nor process what I was typing.

I swear I haven't done that much homework all in a day.

Thanks lecturer! For the really last minute notice that killed all of us.  Almost everyone was half dead in class today, and probably a good half of them barely slept last night.

Sigh. Did I mention, there's Internet Communications' MID TERM ON WEDNESDAY?! means our tuesday is no break, but for studying.  

JUST KILL ME.

*..If only I were rich..*

Fionna was talking to me about her starting her masters prog @ NTU with her bf on 1st September. JIAYOU PERVERT! =)

And it triggered me to really google about my Masters options.

Just looking at what's available in SG for now, cos it will be cheaper right.  So poor now, can't afford lavish foreign universities.  Then I'll have to factor in living costs and accommodation too, andddddd...LONELINESS! =(  and distance apart from my loved ones.

Looked up

(1) NTU
(2) LaSalle
(3) NYU Tisch Asia

And only NYU Tisch had a Graduate program that caught my eye.  NTU's in mass communication, not my type.  LaSalle's sounded just like FSV and needed 2-3 years -_- 

NYU's Masters of Fine Arts in International Media Producing sounds very much like Chapman (aka what we're doing now).  Half their modules were what we'd done in FSV.  Half were what we'd done in Chapman.  Hmm wonder if there's gonna be exemption of credits.  Anyhows, these are some of the specialized modules. 

Abit turned off when I saw that it's a 3-year course. *coughs* That's even longer than our degree program. 

The next thing threw me off further.

$
$
$
$
$

FRIGGIN USD$44 130 per year!!! times 3?! And that's excluding hidden costs.  OH MY LORD.

xq's from a humble family with no luxurious benefits.  How long will I take to earn that amount? Forget itttttt, just graduate from Chapman, get a nice job and we'll take one step at a time.

Byebye Masters of Fine Arts Programs.  Till I've achieved far greater things in life and deserve a scholarship, will I be qualified to consider you again.

And I always thought most Graduate progs are 1 year duration. Hmm so far those I've seen for media are 2-3 years. 

Sigh, EMOO NEMOOOOOO!!!

May I fulfil this life-long aspiration in the shortest time possible.

*..It feels so near..*

Never thought Leukemia would hit so close to home.
It's been confirmed and I don't know how I can make my aunt feel better.

Pray for a successful bone marrow match...
I should go for a compaitability test too..

Pray that she'll be internally and mentally strong,
for positivity somehow slows the effect of an illness.

This CNY, I wished her ”身体健康，永远幸福快乐“。。。
I do hope these wishes come true.
I really do, with all my heart.

I want to visit her at the hospital,
but I don't know what I should or can say when I see her.

It feels too close to home,
this whole start of a saga.

May her pain be minimal,
and the light at the end of her tunnel reach her soon.

*..Keeping her in my prayers..*

Often, we take our our routined lives for granted.
We think it's boring and monotonous.

Ironically, this would be what we'd miss most when circumstances deprive us of proceeding with the routines of our lives.

Few nights back, I was hit by a hard revelation.
It all seemed too surreal, but so harshly real.

And this revelation hit many others in the family and extended family, to a deeper extent.

6th Aunt used to bring my 2 female cousins to my grandmother's house at Jalan Sultan weekly in my childhood days. Both of them were my favourite cousins. We played together endless times. My aunt used to be a factory worker at some microchip/computer chips company and would bring back some components to assemble every weekend.

My favourite past time then was helping her with these assembling. I even dabao-ed home from her, amidst my obsession with helping people with their work.

When my grandmother moved to Bkt Batok, I saw my aunt and cousins less. Part and parcel of growing up- Changes and separation.

Few years later, my aunt moved to Lor Ah Soo, several blocks away from us. We visited her now and then. Oh one of my cousins was in Temasek JC, 1 year my senior, so I bumped into her at the bus stop now and then. At Bedok Interchange, sometimes in school. But she couldn't be sure it's me (or maybe she was dao), and we barely said Hi each time we passed each other by.

I didn't see my aunt for a good while until Grandma was admitted to Emergency ward in 2008 November. That few weeks, I saw her almost everyday. I saw her every CNY too. She'll never fail to tell me “学业进步，努力读书， 乖乖听 Mummy 的话 hor！”

This CNY, I kinda sensed something amiss. My aunt lost so much weight since the last time I saw her, to the extent of non-recognition. When I opened the gate for my 4th Aunt and her, I was wondering who that woman beside her was. Till I heard her voice that I realized it was my 6th aunt, who'd looked as though she had lost 8kg.

Glow from her skin removed. Nonetheless, more smiley.

I asked her: "Aiyoh, why you become so thin?"
Her reply: "Sick la, never eat properly. Don't be like me ok?"

And she never really knew what kinda sickness she had, she just thought she was weak and kept falling ill. The red alert came on Friday, when my 4th Aunt urged her to go for a medical check-up. Her results were not promising, in fact, the doctors were so alarmed, they admitted her into Emergency ward the moment the results were out.

She was in danger zone for just about any category of tests.
Extremely low levels in everything important.
Extremely high levels in everything that is detrimental to the body.

Mum told me that results revealed that her white blood cell count is 30% more than that of an average human body. That sent me the chills as I got reminded of Candy, our talent for "2nd Lease of Life"- Non-Fiction documentary project. She had the rarest form of Leukemia when she was 17, but managed to survive all the setbacks with her optimism in life.

Though times have changed and we're no longer as close as we used to be, 6th Aunt still formed a very important part of my childhood. Right now, I really wish to give her a big tight hug. Show her the DVD of Candy's ordeal and how she made through everything. Tell her to be brave and continue this tedious fight.

Hug my cousins and uncle, tell them everything's gonna work out fine eventually.

Let's all pray for a miracle, as we await the results of her Bone marrow test tomorrow.

人生变幻莫测，
珍惜眼前每时每刻。

And I can only pray for a miracle,
For Him to lay his healing hands upon this dear aunt of mine...

*..Seeing Red..*

It's a cloudy day today, rained on the outside, rained on the inside too.


Seeing so much red since last night.


I wish I could do something about the red, so *^*&%*&^ I could kill if I ever come face to face with you.


so pissed and disappointed with another you, that I don't even want to say hi or goodnight to you since last night.

Sometimes it sucks to stumble upon things when you've absolutely no intent of doing so. Because it's more painful to find out about things this way, especially when you least expect the occurrence of something as despicable as that.

I'm so afraid of what I would do.
I don't know how long more I can hold out.

I didn't do anything because I'm still thinking what is the appropriate course of action.

Why did you?
I hate you now, more than you can imagine.

*..Miserable..*

Monday Blues.

Script-writing never fails to make me miserable. Especially the brainstorming process. I'll only feel better after I complete it, but of late, I've been feeling terribleeee. Just 'cos the plot sucks and I can't seem to think of anything more interesting and less cliched. Every word makes me scream out loud cos they're so coerced and artificially planted. Completion has become like....sad to say...a routine for submission, to get it over and done with.

When we get sick and weary of doing something we used to love, we should always stop to question ourselves. What was it about ________ that first made you fall in love with it?

Feel like sleeping right now, but there's too much work to be done. Orbi! This could have been prevented if xq started work since Friday. But no, you chose to let the evils of sleep overcome you.

Now you have to pay for your misdeeds. Serves you right!

Sometimes, can't help but wonder. How does chasing deadline after deadline benefit us in any way at all. Totally drains whatever brain juice we have left up there.

It's Academic Week 13 this week. 3 more weeks of school, 1 more week of exam. This is amazing. But check out the amount of work we have in store for us despite the mere 3 weeks.

Grrrr, can't wait for Thursday to be here. Hari Raya Public Holidayyy! QUICK COME, QUICK COME!

*..Just when I thought I could rest..*

I realize I was wrong!
FAT HOPE.

For this is the neverending route to the semester break that never comes.

For the past 12 weeks we've been working towards Week 16, or rather the end of Week 16. Aka Dec 17th. In hope of a semester break all the way till February 4th before a new semester begins. But we were struck with the worst news ever that we had a Summer Module to take during our supposed "HOLIDAYS".

That means, NO HOLIDAYS! Accelerated module in 20 odd days in month of January, and we have to go school almost everyday. Check out our nice schedule.

17/12/09: Our last final exam paper. Hello HOLIDAYS (for awhile)
18/12/09 - 04/01/09: Christmas and New Year holidays
05/01/10 - 28/01/10: Summer Module
01/02/10 - Mid May 2010: Semester #2 at Chapman

May 2010 - August 2010: Hollywood Internship (HOPEFULLY, IF MDA SPONSORS THE MONEY!! else xq can forget about forking out USD6-9K from her pockets cos it's beyond a hole in her pocket.

So yeahhhh, where art thou HOLIDAYS??? =(

Nonetheless, WE HAD OUR 2ND BIOLOGY EXAM TODAY....IT'S FINALLY OVERRRRRRR!!! for erm 3 weeks before our scariest final exam paper in mid december....

Brain totally not working well now, it's kinda still has tonnes of biology terms floating around in my short-term memory bank (thanks to speed reading). Feel so nua now I can't even type simple Trade Article now. Shall wake up earlier tmr morning.

sigh bad sleep debt. What with waking up at hourly intervals almost every weeknight kudos to paranoia and an unsettled mind.

The thought of the 29835629352 writings (research essays, scripts, reports) that are pending in my mind now, simply irks me so much. There is only so much brain juice we can squeeze, which explains my writer's block syndrome of late. I figured the only way to complete them in the most efficient way was to stay up on alternate nights through the night and just complete them once and for all.

OH WELLLLLLL. Jiayou everyone! Goodnighttttt, so glad it's thursday tmr. Weekend's looming ahead.

*..Stone Wall..*

郭靜《心牆》



一個人　眺望碧海和藍天
在心裏面　那抹灰就淡一些
海豚從眼前飛越
我看見了最陽光的笑臉
好時光都該被寶貝　因爲有限

＊我學著不去擔心得太遠
不計劃太多反而能勇敢冒險
豐富的過每壹天快樂的看每一天

Wooh～第一次遇見陰天遮住妳側臉
有什麽故事好想了解
我感覺我懂妳的特別

妳的心有一道牆　但我發現一扇窗
偶爾透出一絲暖暖的微光
就算妳有一道牆　我的愛會攀上窗台盛放
打開窗妳會看到悲傷融化＊

Repeat　＊

Wooh～
妳的心有一道牆　但我發現一扇窗
偶爾透出一絲暖暖的微光
就算妳有一道牆　我的愛會攀上窗台盛放
打開窗妳會看到悲傷融化
妳會聞到幸福晴朗的芬芳


Sadistic me has chosen escapism.
Drawn every bit of curtain in my room.
Door closed.
Repeat mode of depressing music.
Shuffling in and out of tear-soaked pillow.

Talk about Monday blues.

If only I could think in such an optimistic way with ease.
The most torturous feeling is when you have absolutely no control of your thoughts and feelings.

The worst feeling is knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way. It's depression, doubly felt.

*..When forever is never..*

You just wish for "forever".
You'd wish that things wouldn't change.
That things would last a lifetime;
And forevermore.

You convince yourself there is still a lifetime to be forged;
and an eternity to cherish.

"Forever" was never a word I'd loosely associate things with. It's something I hold sacred, something I'd never say unless I was sure, doubly, triply, however sure I was. It's one of the few things that has truly meant something to me.

"Forever" is where life, love and hope intersects.

Logically, it makes so much sense.
In reality, it's non-existent.

We can't really be REALLY happy with someone forever, can we?
Bliss doesn't stay with us through eternity;
They are but temporal migrants in our lives.

Call it wishful thinking or self-denial.
Sometimes it doesn't hurt to lie to yourself, just to lift your spirits.

Fairytales, they're not figments of our imagination are they?
There is a certain element of truth to the "happily ever after", isn't it?

Forever is never the same anymore.
But I still wish for "forever" and hold it close to my heart.

*..most depressing day in history..*

Okay maybe not history, but in recent years.

Started off this morning with a big fight which left my left hand bruised till now, internal injury only. Pui.

Then I felt drained and slept through the day not doing any homework.

Went jurong pt to meet slave after his shoot and realized my iphone wasn't in my bag, thought it could have been on my study table.

The niceee chain peiwen and shimin bought from taiwan for my bday..BROKE...only my 2nd time wearing...

All hell broke loose when...I FOUND OUT THAT THE IPHONE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND IN MY BAGS AND ROOM. My god.

To think I had been puttin it in my bag as an mp3/camera the past 6 mths. I'm in hotttt soup. Depressed weekend. SIGH. Bro and mum are gonna kill me when they find out about this. To top things off, I can't recall where I last seen it.

(1) Gina asked me to show her my iphone on bus 67 to Little India, but she returned me. Not sure if I dropped it, or didn't keep it or? Impossible to be so blur.

(2) Alighted at Little India, got lost and had a hard time finding my way to Cinegear. Again, could have dropped along the way.

(3) Eric's bro gave me a lift to Novena mrt. Could have dropped on his car seat behind.

(4) Dinner at waraku with PL gang. I'm certain I didn't have my iphone outside my bag at this point. Maybe it dropped out of my bag somehow..which is close to impossible..

SO WHERE IS IT?!?!?!?!!!! and my favourite sennheiser earphones are plugged into my iphone.

On further thought, I have some nice photos in the phone which I haven't uploaded.

There's cute ones of grandma =(

SIAN. My current hp is gonna spoil soon and I was still thinking of switching to the iphone within this week.

GOOD GAME xq! All my life I haven't lost anything at all. And this year aka 2009, I've lost my IC and IPhone, both start with "I". So depressed there's no more tears left after this morning's episode.

The only good thing was having slave by my side the entire day. Give and take perhaps. You lose some, and gain some.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT MY IPHONE BACKKKKKKKK. this is the worst day ever.

*..River runs..*

If only there's no right time to say the right things; and no wrong time to say the wrong things.

If only we could freely voice out our views without being concerned about how the other person is feeling and what repercussions these words could possibly cause.

If only all the evil beings, con people and cheats on this world would vanish and cease to exist forevermore.

If only all we had to care about was for ourselves, and not have to be sensitive about a loved one's feelings.

If only lies didn't exist in this world, and if they did, remain hidden and undiscovered.

If only suspicions could be sat on and forgotten at the break of dawn, after a good night's rest.

If only tolerance or curiosity never kills any cat.

If only trust were eternal.

If only tears could gush all the pain and worries away in a continuous stream.


What a carefree world it'll be!
Childish wishes, but how desirable it'll be.


It's been a long day for us, and you especially.
But things can only head upwards from now with every fall.
It's a trying time for you, but I'll always be somewhere near =)
Goodnight Pigger! Brand new day tomorrow!

*..Friday blues..*

Been feeing weird all day, despite it being Friday--most anticipated day of the week! Probably carried forward from last night. Tsk, had 827265782 bad dreams that affected my day. Some were so real, I had to search my thoughts for awhile before I realized they were but dreams.

Told slave that I was down with "hello kitty" syndrome (hello kitty has no mouth to speak you see) today aka I didn't even feel like opening my mouth the whole day to speak. Only talked when I absolutely had to, else I'd just nod and smile. Visited grandma and I just held her hand, listened to her talk, nod and smile. HAHAHA...then I felt like it's not right, so I made myself talk more.

Happy that grandma's in a very good mental and physical state today. She smiled and laughed so much =) She didn't tell us a single hallucination story of hers that we'd hear on repeat mode every visit. Brought my laptop today to show her mum and aunt's japan trip's photos. Hmm should bring laptop more often and let her watch videos and dramas too =) Her smiles and laughter just cheers me up so much! Couldn't resist snapping photos of her. Stalker grand daughter.

So the entire day, raining heavily. Spirit-dampening, but conducive for retrospection. The only thing that made my day better was my hp, or rather the smses that came through it. From the people I sms everyday--mole, xiaobai & slave. Awwww... other than that I was keeping very much to myself the entire day.

Anti-socialism rocks, if there's such a word.

Xiao bai (Peiwen) gave me the link to this song, her new favourite. Hmm nice MV concept of the launderette, and I liked the POV shots! =) The tune and lyrics really catchy too..

Lisa Mitchell--"Coin Laundry"


Very laidback song, perfect for bringing xq out of her weird mood.

Goodnight world!! It's the weekend again =) Foresee a great one ahead as usual!

Qing Cao Ice Man (Grass Jelly Ice Man) greets all goodnight!!!


so does Salad Man!


Slave's the maker of both (leftover food) models by the way.. Must credit him! WAHAHA!

HAHAHAHA the things I post when I'm sleepy. (-_-)"

*..full of angst..*

Got to get this out of my system before I can do anything proper.

Still kinda seething over the "disagreement" i had with M**** from ESR Film Cage (my schs equipment place) at Kino yesterday. PUI, totally spoilt my entire mood. Thinking if I should send an email to the lecturers in charge to voice my "concern", but what if it blows matters up. I still think it's stupid and unfair that they confiscated my diploma cert and put it on hold till I replace the stupid hotel (hotel is the huge locker we store our equipment in) lock that my fyp group owes them.

The lock's so unique that only one place sells it, and it costs friggin $200 but breaks the moment someone (i don't know who) dropped it from the grip truck. xq's been contacting the seller several times the past months since January and his reply is always the same: "Oh that one no stock. u wanna try china brand? also works the same, it's cheaper. Oh dont want ah, ok I order for you, will arrive in a month. Call you when it's here."

So it's not that I don't want to return but it isn't available for me to buy! &%^&$%^$!! So I said to M****, "Why don't I give you the cash now, and when it's available you use it to pay for the lock?"

his reply: "I'm sorry we don't accept cash. So if you want to graduate on Wednesday, you know what to do."

SERIOUSLY WTH!!!! the graduation ceremony is on wednesday and you're telling me this without understanding the situation or trying to understand at all. People have been complaining and condemning M**** but I've always thought he was a nice TSO and sometimes defended him. SORRY HOR, IMPRESSION CHANGED totally. PUI. Now my parents are pretty annoyed with the school too.

And to make things worse, bro's gf smsed me this morning just as I was about to go back to sleep after waking up from a nightmare at 9 plus. Met her up yest for lunch to discuss her boss' farewell video edit. She told me we'll meet tmr night to finalize. And now it's changed to TODAY!!! OH MY LORD, I haven't even got started on it. My laptop's totally filled to the brim, so clearing space now.

so it's been half a day and I'm still angsty. Sorry for the rant. Just annoyed with everything and anything for now.

It's amazing how I could be so at peace at one moment, and how unforseen events can ruin my mood totally.

Anyway wj's off to Arafura with Team Singapore for live-saving competition today. JIAYOU WJ! HOPE U WIN SOMETHING AH!!! =) and yah, mole smsed that we would be meeting up with fionna and sherilyn on monday! So the only 2 nice things that happened today so far.

*.. =( ..*

Feeling really =( =( =( =( =( =( =( =( =( =( =( =( and trashy now.


原来，这就是所谓的力不从心。
这，就是有话难堪、有口难言的滋味。


Why is it always simpler for us to pour our innermost thoughts to any other person, rather than the person in subject? What's stopping us from being honest to ourselves and the people dearest to us?

I may not be brilliant with words or advice, but nothing beats being able to offer a listening ear/helping hand or just being there for people who matter in dire times. Just feeling helpless and stumped that I can only receive and not give.

I may not be eloquent in expressing how I feel with words. But I've always thought actions spoke louder than words. Seems like, I haven't been accomplished in the aspect of non-verbal communication as well. Something to ponder and learn.

I don't know why, but I have this feeling that I'm about to lose something/someone about soon.

有种不详的预感。。。
Please don't let it come true.....

想太多了吗？
还是太多东西想了？
想了一整晚，还是想不通。。。
想了一团糟。

天都亮了，昨晚又失眠了。。。

Time check: 7.10AM
Alarm set: 9.30AM