*..Like a bird in a cage..*

I feel like a bird in a cage, currently.
In more aspects of my life than one.

I feel like there's a gazillion things my heart tells me to do;
yet the brain wills me not to follow my heart.

My heart says I'm still young, hence I should follow my dreams and take risks;
yet the brain nags at me to remain in comfort zone and stay put.

My heart hates myself for giving in to the brain so much;
yet at times it makes itself heard and acts upon it.

The brain chides the heart for not contemplating hard enough on the possible consequences of following one's heart.

Prior to any form of decision, there's always so much to consider: the things you have to give up, the people you have to hurt or leave behind, the risks, the end of comfort zone and stepping feet into a new life, the people who talk about you incessantly, the fear of making the wrong move, the possibility of regret yet there's no turning back..

Well, basically.. fear of the unknown..

As the saying goes, our happiness is in our own hands. It is all up to ourselves.

It makes me wonder if my world view has been clouded all this while. To me, happiness is a grey line, a blurry shade that blends with all other emotions. I guess, happiness is seeing the people around me happy, living up to their expectations and what-nots.

The heart already knows the answer, but the mind is holding back. The mind says: "You have expectations to live up to, think for others."

The heart says: "What a dilemma, I just want to go into a deep sleep."

Alas, escapism prevails and all that remains is a heavy heart.

*..Now, or never..*

Kinda dreading the crazy project that commences tmr for a continuous 10 days. I think I'm gonna run out of drive already, despite not being too productive already in the first place.

This weekend was terrible, just feels lousy when people close to you don't trust you as you thought they would. Tears me apart actually, so I practically slept the entire weekend away. Adds on to the "no mood to do anything" feeling.

And so I turned down all the outings that was supposed to take place over the weekend, that I was looking forward to cos I'm gonna be MIA from tomorrow and stuck in the office.

With that decision, I further upset a few more friends. And one very close one in particular because she was looking forward to seeing me but I pulled out on her twice this week cos I have to stay home to settle some work stuff, and I just didn't have the heart to be out when I knew time was running out.

There are a few people ignoring me now, it's a terrible feeling. I don't like to be ignored. And it doesn't feel too good when my apologies are ignored too.

I've been staying in my room since yesterday afternoon. Just no mood for anything. Just want to go into the deepest sleep and not brood on anything.

I slept so much, I didn't manage to meet the supposed deadline of the wedding video today. I feel so much guilt, like I've let the wedding couple down. But they're so understanding, I need to complete by tomorrow. I need to do a good one =)

I don't know, I feel a massive mind blockage, like I can't do any work in this state. But time is running out. Night's gonna fall soon, it's now or never.

There's a heavy boulder upon my head; a weight pinning against my chest. It sounds so dramatic, but that's how I'm feeling now.

xq, quick snap out of it already. It's been 28 hours already.

This silence, it's deafening and eating me up. I just want to be in a complete state of unconsciousness. That would be perfect.

*..Darkness is all I see..*

So the past few days I've been feeling really down and out.
Like I've been looking forward to a brand new year of hope and surprises.

I've been looking forward to positivity in all areas of my life.
Yet it isn't looking as rosy as I'd painted in my mind.

I feel like I've lost the drive to work hard in the things I do.
I feel really sick of editing and FCP in all honesty.
Like I feel a little nauseous each time I look at the timeline on my screen.

I wonder why I'm always doing all these work and rushing for deadlines, not doing them because I really want to do it and I no longer look forward to savouring the end product.

You know, the satisfaction at the end of it all.

I've lost it.
At the end of each job, only one thought comes to mind: "Yay, deadline met. Now what's next? When is it due?"

So there's this wedding edit I've been dragging for a month already, the long version. Been distracted by side jobs and other more bugging deadlines. And this weekend is probably the last free slot I have to nail this. But I've been struggling to complete it, the finishing point just seems so far off.

As this irksome feeling (which I cannot explain) overwhelms me, I just want to escape into deep sleep and never wake up to the light of day.

Really hate doing work for the sake of delivering, where has the personal drive gone to? I think I've lost myself and I'm deeply saddened by this realization.

I feel so disappointed in myself, all of a sudden.

Got to snap out of these self-destructive thoughts.

This is such a familiar feeling- heavy head, even heavier heart. I remember feeling this depressed when I failed to meet personal expectations at significant stages of my life. Yet I don't understand why I'm feeling this way now.

*..Broga Hill..*

I wanna go on a getaway trip!

KL, Genting, even JB, anywhere! Bangkok's too dangerous now SIAN.

Just saw Aaron's (slave's friend) albums on facebook and came across this place called Broga Hill. Have never heard of it but I'm already in love with it. Wahhhhhhh so prettyyyy and cinematic. Bring film camera and toy camera there to play!!! Take wedding photos there also shiok!





HAHAHA I WANNA GO BROGA HILL NOWWWWWWW, the pretty landscape and skies.

I suddenly feel so busy now, now that work is starting tomorrow. Byebye free time! Hope everything goes well, excited and scared at the same time!

*..Road Trip..*

Today, we had an impromptu road trip to JB with papa and mama foo!
Drove bro's car in.
Apart from the massive jamssssss, everything else were pretty niceeee. Especially yummy seafood dinner we chanced upon the venue whilst randomly finding our way.

First times are always the nicest.
Simply because there isn't any pre-requisites to make comparisons with.

Our 1st road trip =)
Moreeee to comeeeee!! KL after annoying Chapman exams end on the 17th Dec!
Sigh it's gonna be a gruelling 11 more days.

The thought of the amount of pending work, makes me wanna drop dead right this moment. How do you finish all of that and have sufficient time to finish revising/memorizing/understanding the hideous amount of information for 4 of the modules?

Shall keep the thinking for tmr.
It's a happy day today =)

Thank you mama and papa foo, and slave for everything =)
It's been years since I've been out of Singapore like that.

HAHAHA hmmm since April 2008 never go overseas, since at least 5 years ago nv go jb (except for fri night when we pumped petrol there).

goodnight world =) Having a massive headache now, get well soon xq!

*..best weekend in a long while..*

Hmm so much has happened the past one week. Maybe it's the lousy stuff that's happened that makes us appreciate nicer things more. Amplifies the nicer days and make them seem like you've just had the bestest day in the world.

Was a depressive week last week. Where all the &%&^$&#$ things happened all within a few days. Saw the ugly truth to people, as true colours unveiled. Felt annoyed with every other thing. Can't help but feel the urge to run away from them all. And I did, from thursday I began the run. And it all has to end today.

It's all worthwhile =) Sleep debt paid off. Relaxed and enjoyed every bit of my weekend.

Thank you pigger low for making my weekend. And my family too. Esp mum and dad =) So happy just had a very looong chat with mum cos we've been so busy to update each other on things. Thanks, to the few other gfs of mine who's made me feel =) .

When you're bored, you cam whore. And drag someone down with you. HAHAHA! Photobooth time.




EEEEEEEWWWW SO SMELLY!!! (*^*&%!!!


haha and presenting xq's very lousy zi pai skills. Always cut off someone's head somehow. Look at slave's anguished face. LOL.


awww I like this pic! =)


goodnight! shall sleep now =) EARLY DAY TMR! in compensation of all the fun this weekend.

*..When forever is never..*

You just wish for "forever".
You'd wish that things wouldn't change.
That things would last a lifetime;
And forevermore.

You convince yourself there is still a lifetime to be forged;
and an eternity to cherish.

"Forever" was never a word I'd loosely associate things with. It's something I hold sacred, something I'd never say unless I was sure, doubly, triply, however sure I was. It's one of the few things that has truly meant something to me.

"Forever" is where life, love and hope intersects.

Logically, it makes so much sense.
In reality, it's non-existent.

We can't really be REALLY happy with someone forever, can we?
Bliss doesn't stay with us through eternity;
They are but temporal migrants in our lives.

Call it wishful thinking or self-denial.
Sometimes it doesn't hurt to lie to yourself, just to lift your spirits.

Fairytales, they're not figments of our imagination are they?
There is a certain element of truth to the "happily ever after", isn't it?

Forever is never the same anymore.
But I still wish for "forever" and hold it close to my heart.

*..River runs..*

If only there's no right time to say the right things; and no wrong time to say the wrong things.

If only we could freely voice out our views without being concerned about how the other person is feeling and what repercussions these words could possibly cause.

If only all the evil beings, con people and cheats on this world would vanish and cease to exist forevermore.

If only all we had to care about was for ourselves, and not have to be sensitive about a loved one's feelings.

If only lies didn't exist in this world, and if they did, remain hidden and undiscovered.

If only suspicions could be sat on and forgotten at the break of dawn, after a good night's rest.

If only tolerance or curiosity never kills any cat.

If only trust were eternal.

If only tears could gush all the pain and worries away in a continuous stream.


What a carefree world it'll be!
Childish wishes, but how desirable it'll be.


It's been a long day for us, and you especially.
But things can only head upwards from now with every fall.
It's a trying time for you, but I'll always be somewhere near =)
Goodnight Pigger! Brand new day tomorrow!

*..Of ironies and paradoxes..*

Can't help but wonder how in more ways than one, relationships with your loved ones can be filled with ironies and paradoxes..

Annoyingly amazing how homo sapiens contradict themselves with their words, thoughts and actions all at once...

SH just showed me this link...and i recalled toufyy showing me the same video some half a year back. Really liked it alot, made alot of sense, alot of emotions, alot of truth to it...

"Reflections of the Skyline"


Some of my favourite parts of the dialogues.

"And melt when u smile;
And dissolve when you laugh."

"And wonder who you are;
But accept you anyway."

"I'll tell you the worst of me,
and try to give you the best of me;
Because you don't deserve any less."

Really, is it that hard to be truthful to your loved ones? Is it so hard to bare your heart to them? Or would you rather keep all your thoughts to yourself, hide them away in a shy corner?

*..misery..*

Just feeling very miserable now.
With work, with life, with people, with time.
Don't know why, but it's eating me up.

Got to reach office at 9am tomorrow.
Dx's shoot starts tomorrow.
How am I to split myself two ways?

Really sucks when timings clash.

I feel like there's a time bomb in me, about to explode.

And it's all the more miserable when I can't seem to find time to meet people I really want to spend time with. =(

9th June, hurry comeeeeee! I already have a list of things I want to do =(

- Fly kite
- Photography trip @ Punggol, Marina Barrage, Henderson Waves
- Sentosa Musical Fountain
- 986329753827 buffets
- K-BOX
- Cycling
- Badminton
- Swimming
- Decorate my room
- buy the remaining 3 friends of Bubu's and Birdie's @ Mustafa
- watch endless screenings @ substation, museums and sinema old sch
- re-watch "Monsters INC" & watch "Monsters VS Aliens"
- find a job I really like
- go JB for nice food and getaway
- chill-outs @ cosy libraries trash reading/random reading

So far off now. =(

Sigh goodnight. I've been sleeping earlier and earlier these days. And think I caught a cold. =(

*..Depressed..*

Feeling really down now.
Depressive state.
And I look like a ghost now, from the lack of rest.
Can't seem to be able to sleep well these days.

It's times like this that you have too many tasks on hand and everyone's pressurizing you from all areas. There's job, project 1, 2, 3 and 3 other videos I have to edit really soon. And everyone's asking me how everything's going. Yes, everyday. There's family issues, misc issues.

Everything put together. Driving me up the wall.

Yet these people who drive you up the wall, they fail to see from your standpoint. They don't know of the other commitments I have on hand. They think my time is exclusively theirs. And hello, I'm doing you a favour of some sort after all, so don't go too far. (if u're reading this blog, it means you aren't one of them cos those people have no access to this page)

Dad & mum were "scolding" me all the way back on the van just now: "xq, you should learn how to say no and stop taking things in to make yourself more miserable. There's a time to stop you know."

2nd time I'm hearing this within the week. My slave told me something similar last tuesday.

Sigh, rejection's the hardest thing to do.

=( =( =( =( =(

I don't know what to say anymore. Shall sleep now and wake up earlier before work to settle some stuff. Don't know why I'm doing all these anymore, lost all purpose. Just going with the flow and necessity to complete all of these.

Went location recce arnd punggol with dx, cc, gina, qammie, meatball and jj just now. Went home for a yummy dinner, the nicest part of my day. =) Then asked dad and mum to take me to mustafa to get stuff for the upcoming shoot. We kept getting lost in the maze there, and just felt so angsty.

But made my day when I had a random thought and decided to go around searching for the other chicken stuffed toy we left behind at Mustafa on 11th April 2009. Bought 2, left 1. To my delight, I found 3 of them instead and lined them up side by side. FOR A PHOTO MOMENT! =) HEHEHEHE SO CUTE THE DUMB-LOOKING BIRDS!!!



the haul of the night. Everything's for the shoot except my Sennheiser earphones! woohoo! Something I've been wanting to buy in a long time since my other Sennheiser has one side spoilt.


great stuff, xq is officially broke. Adds on to the depressive state.

Hope my slave gets well soon, down with a bout of heatiness and nose bled several times throughout the day. Tskkkkk *snatch junk food away and confiscates*

Goodnight. May tomorrow be a better day.

*..Fear..*

It's times like this, when you feel there's a possibility that you'll fall short of others' expectations and disappoint them, that you feel the inability to deliver something you've promised that makes me feel like shrinking away from the world...and squirm in my world of escapism.

Really, why do we like to make our own lives difficult? Do we seek pleasure/thrill out of these?

Probably so, it is the overcoming of such obstacles that makes life more colourful, our days more fulfilling.

Feel so lost, don't know which to get started on. Well, a step at a time xq. Thank god it's my off day from work today and tomorrow. Stall time for the 976582352 other things on hand.

*..early bird..*

Helloo world!

Today was pretty much a bad day, except for the "Beyond The Classroom" seminar organised by FSV Alumni Chapter. It was @ NLB, on film financing and distribution. Was a really effective one, eye-opener all. I was so attentive that I couldn't stop taking notes in my niceee notebook.

Hmmm I miss being a student after all.

Was one of the helpers just now for the event. Haha oh wait, the ONLY helper cos Mary Ling was too busy @ Oak 3. Lucky there were 2 Wide-Screen Revolutions interns from Year 3 FSV who were there, so can help me abit. And one of the in-charge overseeing the event was Charmaine aka Pork's bro's gf. HAHA small world and she was amused when she recalled where she's seen me.

After that went with our new friend from the seminar for tea, whilst the guys went town for Left 4 Dead. xq waited for LCM to pass him the caterer's invoice, but he was caught up in school and I met shi mu instead. HAHA SHI MU!!! long time never call her that. =p Joined the guys at cine after that but was pretty much too sleepy cos I only slept 1.5 hrs last night.

Can't wait to start school! At Chapman University! Got the positive response via email today. Haha I think anyone who applied got in, cos there were insufficient applicants.


Mid August! Can't wait to begin a brand new phase of my life. XQ IS FINALLY ACCEPTED BY A UNIVERSITY!!!! =) From 2005-2006 I had a total of 11 rejection letters from various Uni courses. Beat that!

Hmm a slab of pork went to KL this afternoon, sorry I couldn't send you off. Have fun there ya! Last getaway before permanent job. But I can't promise I won't forget you when you get back in 2 weeks' time. I have short-term memory!

xq shall sleep early tonight. It's been a....weird day today... But gonna get busy from tomorrow on, work's coming up! So I'll be well occupied.

HAPPY LABOUR DAY DEAR ALL! AND HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY MARY LING!!! MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE,_GOOD FRIEND!! =)

*..HMMMM..*

HMMMMMM.
530am now and I'm thinking.

Thinking randomly about things I've been hearing.
Thinking what I should do about it.

How I should react.
How I should handle.
How I should come to terms.

Thinking about how I could spend ever so much time thinking but can never come to a resolution.

Thinking about how I should ignore every word possibly said to me.
Thinking about what I should do from here.

Tmr's really an exciting day.
Packed to the brim.
I shall think about tomorrow then.
The only way to stop me from thinking erm, deep thoughts.
That I struggle with comprehending.

*..6th sense unveiled..*

When everyone turned their backs on you, I wanted to be there for you.
When it was everyone's words against yours, I chose to believe you.
When people slammed you down, I defended you.
Whenever you were down, I'd do anything to cheer you up.

The silence and sniffles over the phone.
It always felt nice when they turned to smiles & laughter.

Now, I'm beginning to doubt everything that's happened.
I'm convinced that I've been so foolish.
I'm beginning to think I have lethal 6th sense.

I don't need another __ years of this.
I don't need to be in your shadow.

In fact for the past few weeks, I've almost succeeded.

Oh yeah, I already did but I just refused to believe my 6th sense.
Right now, I just feel so disappointed in you.

I'm not angry.
I'm not sad.
Just utmost disappointment.

And yes, I just lost sleep over this. Supposed to wake up for SIFF in another 30 minutes. Shall nap abit and it's a brand new day =)

Shoo, bygones be bygones.
Life goes on.
So, let's call this a day.
Or rather, let's end this whole chapter of xq's life.
FINITO!

*..Do you hear the silence?..*

How time has flown by, it's been a week since.

The silence grew increasingly deafening with each passing day, or so I thought. Time apart really does make you feel distant even to the one closest to your heart.

And it just dawned on me that, things hasn't changed. Situations may have changed, but bonds don't break that easily. Not even if you try with all your might.

I can't judge for myself anymore, I've gained full immunity and resistance to such. It doesn't make much of a difference to me anymore.

Tonight, I'm glad you're still here. Relieved that things hasn't changed as much as I've thought. You're right. Habits remain, and you don't change.

Maybe it does help that, expectations have changed. =) Either that or I've reached the potent level of self-fulfilling prophecies. I don't really know which either.

So anyway, was searching for some song files on youtube and came across this! =) Which I have been wanting to download, but it always slipped my mind somehow.

S.H.E - "安靜了"



Well, really such a 悲伤 song with somewhat poetic references...check out the chorus!

你說我愛你太多 就快要把你淹沒
你害怕幸福 短暫一秒就崩落
分開是一種解脫 讓你好好的想過
我想要的那片天空 你是不是能夠給我

你說我給你太多 卻不能給我什麼
分不清激情承諾永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因為我太愛你

There you go! xq's latest song on repeat mode! =) 530am now, xq quick go sleep!

*..Sigh-ness..*

Helloo world!

It's a happy day today, really.
So many nice things happened, cleared alot of my to-do list.
Had alot of photos too, cos of photography trip #1 (and more to come!)

But too sleepy and feeling kinda sick now, upload tomorrow. Oh wait it's tomorrow already. Had wanted to sleep early tonight but facebook just released this annoying quiz thing that is super fun! HAHAHAHAHAA it's called "Know It All". I think it's even more fun than BEJEWELLED =)

Now that I've stopped playing it, my head's whoozing again. Helloo panadols! =)

There's so much thinking to do. You know, how nice if in life, everything settles itself nicely for you, without you having to move an inch of your finger. Like how in the film "CLICK", everything goes in auto-pilot mode for the male lead. Parts of his life he doesn't like would be fast-forwarded to the peaks of his life. Mundane parts & parcels of his life would also be oblivious to him.

Would that be better?

But then again, at the end of it all, he realizes how much he's missed out in life. It's the precious gruelling process that makes the peaks in life all the more worthwhile.

Without the troughs, how would you identify the peaks?
Without the downs, there'll be no ups.
Without darkness, you won't see light.
Without tears, you won't know how blissful it is to be happy.

I guess right now, it's one of those times for me.

Tonight, I'm too tired to think anymore.
Everything's happening all at once, too hasty for me to think through calmly. It seems, I can't come up with a rational decision that is a win-win resultant.

One of the highlights of today!!!!!! SHOESSSSS!!! which I finally bought after 2 weeks of contemplation. All it took was ONE EVIL FRIEND to convince me with much ease.

looks familiar? HAHAHA...


You're right, it was this shoe in the picture I posted some time back. I shall TRY not to wear it...for now....


Goodnight! Please, let me wake up hale and hearty tomorrow morning!

*..Love Song The Musical WRAPPED..*

helloo world.

Time flies doesn't it? Before we even realise, first cycle of ibp/fyp shoot's about to end. Which means? IT'S MY TURN SOON OMG. This morning when I woke up, I felt a strong rush of fear within me, when I saw the calendar on my desktop.

Today's 10th November 2008.
7 days to rehearsal.
9 days to shoot.
2956287523 unsettled things, GO GO GO!

I feel so insecure now, let's hope the next few days would be determining and everything lock lock lock.

today a very weird phenomenon happened when I logged onto adium. HAHAHA!


haha yesterday marks the last day of LOVE SONG THE MUSICAL's shoot. Aka uncle calvin, uncle sw, jj, auntie qammie, melvin kitty, marilyn dutch lady and sean's grp.

xq had an added role! make-up only! hahaha cos the make-up artiste had something on last minute and couldn't turn up. So we pooled whatever make-up resources we had.

Here's Rayve, the lead actor in the film. He was smiling for dengz's camera.


LCM, our lecturer, dropped by for awhile. Haha they asked him to be an extra for the bus scene. So touching ah, despite being sick and coughing like mad (cos he old haha). Look at this pic dengz took, when LCM was leaving.


I laughed at him on adium and here's his response.


Posting selected pics only cos I'm feeling so drowsy today dunno why. Think it's stress, been thinking about my own shoot's logistics etc. And went into a state of escapism for a gd few hours, nice to sleep cos it was raining all.

IT'S A WRAP! congrats to the team, for reaching a new phase of production aka POST PRODUCTION! all the best auntie! GO GO GO! xq will find you in fcp room whenever I'm in school! =) cos I'll be tempted to sleep when I'm doing work at home anyway.

i think this is the nicest IT'S A WRAP photo I've ever seen. WOOHOO!!! =)

*..Understanding or the lack of it..*

In uber low spirits today, doesn't feel good.
It's when the heart feels hollow and the mind feels heavy.

And all of a sudden, you don't feel like opening up to anyone at all. What's the point? When sometimes people don't get what you're saying at all, or worse still, spread it on distortedly to another person.

It's a scary thing when people talk behind your back, isn't it?
It induces paranoia.

Perhaps, I'm my best keeper. It's hard to trust nowadays, you'll never know what can be said and what can't be.

I'm annoyed with practically everything today.
And didn't do anything at all today.
Just slept on and off the entire day.
Didn't even bother to eat.
Except when dad bought dinner back.

I have a good mind of staying in dreamland for good, reality is sometimes not pleasing and induces lousy thoughts.

Tell me this is all going to end tomorrow.

*..Mentally drained..*

It's no easy feat being in this pretentious situation.
Acting like you're ignorant.
Replicating normality.
When things have in fact, to your best knowledge, changed.

Because deep within, I don't feel good about it.
Extremely annoyed in fact.

But oh wait, things are SUPPOSED to be as before.
So I'm supposed to be happy.

It's supposed to be happy living in a lie.
Or so we found out this myth is all a lie.

All these thoughts put together, drains every waking hour.