*..Breathlessness..*

It's 3.09am.

I've been coughing incessantly since 8pm and feeling really breathless. To the point of wheezing.

I can't concentrate on my edit, due tomorrow morning.

There's a pulsating pressure against my chest and shortness of breath.
Never felt like that before, it really is quite a vulnerable feeling.

Why do I always fall sick when I have important deadlines to meet?

The self-medication isn't working.
Nor the tonnes of woods peppermints.

I fear I wouldn't wake up on time if I were to turn in now.

My throat is hurting so much it's inducing another round of fever which I just recovered from.

There's a looong day of work tomorrow, and it's so daunting.

I just pray for strength to last me through this week.

The editor I took over had a super messy media management, I'm having difficulties locating all the important footage.. In fact it's non-existent in the hard disk. I don't know, I guess I'm having a mind block right now.

I need a break.

It's tiring to cough non-stop.

*..If only this is one dream we could all wake up from..*

I used to wonder, which is worse?
Losing your dream job/losing a golden opportunity at work or losing a loved one?

Tonight, the answer came clear.
Every lost opportunity stands a probable chance of resurfacing;
It might not be "never", but "not now".

But losing a loved one is an irreversible occurrence.
There is no replay, there is no mercy.

I feel really empty now, so much so, I can't comprehend this emotion.

I'm happy or rather, relieved in a way;
yet I'm devastated - like I've lost a part of my life.

I used to think losing all the data in my hp would equate to losing a part of my life... but that is nothing compared to losing a loved one.

I've officially lost my last grandparent to the heavens.
The last, but not the least.

The one I loved most dearly,
whom I shed the most tears for;

The one who brought me the most laughter,
and also the one I was willing to do anything for;

The one who taught me the only dialect I know - Teochew,
whom I enjoy talking to but I can never talk to her again;

The one I could spend all day stroking her head and fanning her with the old-school fan,who would in turn share all her snacks and favourite food with me;

The one who I looked forward to visiting every Saturday in my childhood days,
who emptied her entire refrigerator and piles Vitagen, Marigold fruit juice, Jelly and chocolates into my arms;

The one who taught me the old school string game,
and folded paper cranes, frogs, shirts and pants for me;

The one who shielded me from my mum's detrimental cane when I was young,
and oftentimes reminded me not to make my mum angry as I grew up;

The one who craves for kopi-o, ice-cream, kfc, carrot cake in her "last" days, yet could no longer eat nor drink in her actual last days;

The one who loved ranting on and on (and I probably inherited this trait from her), yet could no longer speak her last words to her loved ones;

The one I've shared 25 years of memories with,
yet she can never live to see the day I get married;

The one I've wanted to take a photo with in my graduation robe and bridal gown,
but it is all too late now;

The one who would dry my tears and cajole me to sleep in her Teochew lullaby,
yet she can no longer dab my tears dry right now;

The wrinkled hand I never wanted to let go of each time you feel scared,
just like how you used to hold my hand when I was afraid.

I stroked your forehead, parted your hair...

I held on tight to your fingers, just so you knew I was there with you...
Your hands, they grew cold - I held on to your palm tighter.

Your left arm, it was swelling so bad...it pained me so much...
Like a razor that pierced right through me.

Holding on to your hand never failed to give me comfort,
Even as you left us for a better place, it felt good just holding on to your hand.

You wiped off my tears when I was young,
but tonight I had to wipe yours dry.

Why did you tear so many times tonight?
Were you frightened?
Were you worried about leaving us behind?
Were you wondering where some of your unfilial kids were?

Most of all, I wanted to ask...
Did you momentarily recognize us all?
For you've clean forgotten everyone of us in your state of dementia.

The way you looked at us just now, it seemed like you recognized us.
The way you opened your mouth, gasping for air...
as though trying to tell us something..

Were you trying to call us by our names?

I wanted to kiss you goodbye,
but I was contemplating...
cos I didn't really wanna say goodbye to you...
not yet...

I asked myself, why did I not visit you earlier?
Being busy with work was no excuse.

I had wanted to camp over the hospice tonight,
but I guess you didn't want to tire us out like back in August.

You always placed everyone else above yourself.

There's too many things I want to say to you, Ah Ma.
To infinity, and I can never finish saying them all.

I hope you're in a better place right now.
Watching over us from above, smiling down on us.

Yet the thought that you're alone in the resting place of the hospice right now for another few hours disturbs me alot.

I hope you're on the other side, living in bliss right now.
With Ah Gong and your family you've missed dearly.
We will join you when our time comes.
Meanwhile, you'll be kept dearly in our hearts.

I'll cherish the many memories you've shared with me.
The life values you've imparted to me.
The words of wisdom you've whispered to me.
The photos and videos that I've captured of you.

拥有您的呵护，您温馨的爱，
是我一生最幸福的时光。
谢谢您带给我的回忆，
我会牢牢记在心底。
因为有您这么伟大的阿嬷，
才会有我那么幸福的孙女。

只想永远紧握住您的手，
继续活得更精彩，
让您为我这孙女感到光荣与欣慰。

24th November 2011,
2355 hrs.

Rest in peace, Ah Ma.
You'll always hold a special place in my heart. =)



And almost too suddenly, I'm feeling a massive void in my life already.

一个永远无法弥补的洞。
谢谢您那无微不至的爱。。。

*..What is life?..*

Sometimes I ask myself, what is it I seek in life?
Life after graduation?

Is it passion or bread & butter.
Ideally, it'd be both- bread & butter a subset of passion.
But 1.5 months on, I realize how impossible it is to attain my ideal scenario.

And so I see myself selling myself to work.
Slave to work.
Slave to my employers.
Slave to the Macs.

I've been eating practically every meal in front of the computer when I'm at work, there isn't time to eat out like what normal office workers should do. And that is if I even have time to eat at all.

Hmm I think I've lost another 2-3 kg. Yikes, I will never reach my old weight at the rate I'm going.

Emily's right. My life is unpredictable, shall see how long I can last in this state of life.

I'm not complaining, just maybe whining a little. But sometimes I just feel so deprived of my own time, "me" time, time with family and friends, time with loved ones, leisure time... I feel constantly nervous, anxious and paranoid - because I have to be at so many places within the same day. Or when projects clash, I feel very bothered emotionally as I feel the obligation to be at both places at the same time.

Just as I thought projects are clearing up, new projects creep up and...they are showing signs of clashing already. ARGH, I was super free for the past 3 days and nothing cropped up. But the moment I had something on today, everything just had to coincide somehow or other.

Sometimes I wish...
Life could be more predictable and more stable.

But then again, maybe that's what makes life interesting now.
Like I made 3 new friends today =)

But I'm sad that I got to wake up in 2 hrs' time for work.
Crazy deadlines keep surrounding me.
Like today I had 3 hours to finish a 1st cut for Singtel. CRAZY OR WHAT! Then carolyn and I stayed in office till 3am, because client is viewing it again at friggin 9am tomorrow. And there were quite a lot of changes.

Fingers crossed, feeling really...
unsettled.

*..Sigh..*

Just forced myself to finish up a film analysis for "The Crying Game". Because I know I won't have any mood to do anything when I get back from the hospital later.

She's in a worse state than I'd thought.  This is not gonna be another hospital observation stay.  Far more at stake. More critical decisions to make. Her heart is failing. I can't believe this is happening.

Been crying the entire night, I just can't control my thoughts. So scared of everything, so scared each time my phone rings.

And you're always not here for me, when I most needed you.

*..2 weeks into January 2011..*

And I still tend to write 2010.

Life has been a whirlwind, 2 weeks passed us by just like that. It's just the 1st week of school, but this seems to go on forever. Like so much has happened in the past 7 days since 6th January, and we are already halfway into this accelerated module. It is times like this that make me realize how much we can actually achieve within a day, considering we have lessons from 10am-1pm, and often our day ends at 10-11pm after project meetings/discussions, location recces, bringing the US exchange students on trips. And we had shoot on Sat and Sun as well, hence it's been 7 days of continuous action. And counting.

The US people would be going to Malacca over the weekends, and I'm looking forward to catching my breath and probably packing my room for the CNY. But oh no, I guess I might have to go out film some B-rolls or what-nots. And erm, more pre-production, possible re-crafting of story.

Life is sad. Principle photography takes place on Monday and Tuesday, editing from Wed and it's due the following Wed. Basically, I foresee no-lifer weeks all the way through 26th January. Hmm or maybe not, if all goes smoothly and we manage to edit at lightning pace.

Right now, things are unsettling and feeling so insecure. Thank god for group mates like Sulaiman, times like this that you need someone responsible to fight the battle with you.

Just hoping for the best for everything, for prompt replies from everyone we email; flexible scheduling in all we require; cooperative locations when seeking filming permits; and most importantly, please DO NOT dua us, dear cast! You are our everything! Without you, what film can we make out of nothingness.

Really frightened now, but there's not much we can do as yet.

And for some reason, I've been feeling strange of late. Missing just about everyone else in my life, because all I ever see and spend time with the whole day are my 4 other group members. Other Chapman mates, I see them, but yet I don't really see them. We just get to interact for that mere 15 minute break between tutorial, before everyone breaks off into their respective filming groups.

Most of all, I miss the girls- glad we have been able to spend time with each other here and there. Gina, JIAYOU OK!! we're always here for you =)

Above all, I miss people in PL Gang! Like mole pervert, fionna pervert, NWJ, xiaobai, SKINNY LYT, neo shimin, and so many more =) Mimi yeo, 24/03 people, alex aka "xq", my laopopo Joanne-marie....

Have several gatherings to organize, but it seems that I can only be available after Jan 26th when this module ends.

2011, a year of speed and precision. So many things changing, I can't hardly catch up as yet. I haven't even had my 2011 resolution post, or a recap of my 2010. Maybe this weekend I will =)

Nonetheless, this is a good experience...I really like the US exchange kids. Yes they may look much older than us, but they really are kids at 19 or 20. I feel really olddddddd already.

SERIOUSLY? WE ARE GONNA TURN 25 THIS YEAR??? SINCE WHEN!!!!

On a side note, I wish I were rich at this moment. There's so many things I need to do, all of which I cannot do without the presence of $$$$!!

(1) Buy a new digicam to replace my spoilt one (eyeing the black IXUS 130IS)

(2) HK Filmart. Thinking if I should go HK this March for the film market again. Somehow the whole world's going this year, seems really fun to be part of it. BUT....but....$310 just for the air tickets... For a similar amount of money, I could be in Taiwan! Or Bangkok! Eating and shopping like mad...

Sigh the dilemma?

(3) US Hollywood exchange: We have to confirm our interest for HK Filmart & exchange prog all by this week. But seriously, no money no talk. As much as I would want to go, it just doesn't seem very practical for me to incur myself in more debt. We're talking about $10000-$15000 here.

Le sigh. LIFE IS REALLY SAD, tell me about it!

Goodnight, another long day tmr. I feel really, really sick of the sickening routine of school and project. We should not be expected to shoot 2 documentaries in a mere 2.5 weeks. LIFE IS SAD, SAD IS LIFE!

*..Many things I miss..*

I miss my grandma.
I miss ham ham.
I miss stones.
I miss milo peng
(our 3 hamsters)

I miss my old friends.
I miss the good old days.
I miss having alot of time on hand.
I miss short film shoots.

I miss my panda!

If only there were more hours in a day, then we could maximise time spent with everyone we miss.

*Sigh* feeling so sad and down now. For no apparent reason. Left with 4 hrs 45 mins to sleep now.

I hate that annoying mid term paper for Indie Film tomorrow. ARGHHHHHHH just let me be over and done with it. And the next 2 papers in the following 2 weeks are gonna be worse than hell. Production Financing and Law & Contracts.

School has already been annoying enough, and these MID TERM PAPERS have to make the situation worse than it already is.

Take things one step at a time xq. HANG IN THERE!

meowwwww.

*..Love is...*

"Everyone says love hurts, but that isn’t true. 
Loneliness hurts.
Rejection hurts. 
Losing someone hurts. 
Envy hurts. 

Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. 

Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

 

Read this from someone's blog. To some extent, I agree with this passage. Just not the last sentence. 

Love is the only thing in this world that can send you blasting off to the highest level of delirium and bliss in one moment; then send you plummeting all the way down under where bitterness engulfs.

Love is the only bitter-sweet emotion/entity in this universe, parallel to none.

This is one of the lousiest Sundays of my holidays. Coincidentally the last Sunday of my holiday before school begins tomorrow, or later (since it's past midnight already). My plan is to stay up as late as possible, to extend my Sunday and postpone Monday's appearance. 

Sucks to feel sian.
Sucks to have a fever. 
Sucks to have a nose that alternates between runny and stuck mode. 
Sucks to have a weird throat. 
Sucks to be dizzy.

Sucks to have the new semester commence in 9 hour's time. 

*..Year 2, Sem 1..*

Uploaded this just for toufyyyyy, DON'T BE SCARED TO CHECK CAN?!

But it does look kinda scary, the modules....*shudders*

(1) Production Financing
(2) Producing of Independent Film
(3) Internet Communication
(4) Production Rights & Contracts
(5) Senior Project aka FYP

So dry and boringggg, and all in US context...AND THERE'S LAW MODULE! and financing/accounting.....both are enough to kill xq...and did I mention the final year project?

*panics*

Feature film idea, hurry come to xq before 31st August! I still have 3 more weeks, JIAYOU XQ!!!!

Other than that, the timing of the timetable seems nice enough...4 day week, a long weekend.  But let's not ponder about the workload and brain juices waiting to be squeezed dry.

Oh and we received another mail with the detailed academic calendar for the rest of Chapman, it says that....OUR COMMENCEMENT IS ON 21ST MAY 2011!

Isn't that scary? That's merely 9 months away.  九月怀胎！

I'm now more motivated to make better use of my remaining 3 weeks of freedom. Jobs, hurry rain down on xq!

*..Sleeping it out..*

Feeling so sick of untimely occurrences, it's when positive and appealing things come aknocking right at your doorstep, but at the wrong time.

For an ideal plan to fall in nicely, merely having the opportunity isn't enough after all.  It has to tie in nicely with the circumstance, time, surroundings and what nots.

Still feeling immense self-reproach for turning down a dream job offered to me 2 nights ago (Opportunity #1).  I unwittingly threw it out of the window whilst pondering if I could commit to it cos of a meeting regarding Opportunity #2 which would only be revealed to me the next day.  Turned out that Opportunity #2 was indeed one also sought after by xq, but as tragic as can be, the timing's all wrong cos I still have school commitments.  Hmm, if only I were to graduate right now. 

And who knows what's gonna happen in a year's time upon graduation? You know, so many things can happen in mere months, much less one year.  I just have this sick feeling that by the time I graduate from Chapman, these opportunities I'm seeking would somehow dissipate into the air.

So to backtrack, without Opportunity #2 in the picture, I could have just agreed to Opportunity #1 and now I'll still be feeling happy.

Life's cruel isn't it? Wrong things happening at the wrong time; Right things happening at the wrong time; But the critical right thing hardly ever takes place at the right time.

It's painful to give up something you really want because circumstances don't allow you to accept it.  But it's worse to give up on something you really want, thinking that the next opportunity presented to you might be a better long-term solution to your wants, yet be dealt another blow that you can't take it up TOO, thanks to it happening at the wrong time, yet again.  And then you wallow in regret and self-reproach, wondering if you made the right choice the first time round.  But the opportunity's already gone.

In short, time awaits no one.


That's life for us, but I just find it difficult to swallow all of these in a mere 2 days.

Wishing for an opportunity #3 that would sweep me off my feet and out of gloom.  But I guess, good things only happen when you least expect them to.

*..The dreaded day has come..*

After dragging for 2 years, the time has come to take some much dreaded action.

Going off to the polyclinic for a follow-up check up, hopefully we'll get a referral letter to the specialist's and crossing fingers that it wouldn't cost a bomb because I absolutely hate spending money at hospitals or clinics.  Really hate these, cos I think it's a waste of precious money.

*sigh* thought I was over and done with hospital appointment frenzy since my scoliosis check-up days and back brace saga in secondary school days. Think I spent thousands of dollars on specialists' check-ups and X-rays.

Only this time it's not for my back ailment, maybe not yet. We'll see how next time, I think I need Chiropractic help badly.  That would be another few thousands of dollars.

This one seems worse to me. It involves a day surgery.  Nothing too serious the doctor said, just as a precautionary measure.  There's a lump of fat protruding my thigh, the family doctor said I can leave it there as long as it doesn't grow in size.  But it did, of late.  So....Eew, I've never been for a surgery of any sort before, not even a dental surgery or tooth extraction.  All my teeth were self-extracted, by a stroke (or many) of kid's genius.

It's nothing big, but I just don't like the whole idea of medical appointments all over again.

You know, that feeling of vulnerability. Like your fate's in the doctors' hands or his verdict is your destiny? 

Speaking of which, I think I better do a full medical check-up soon, but erm, I'm quite scared of multiple injections/blood tests all within the same time frame.  I'm fine with 1, 2 injections...but don't like needles drawing blood out of me.

Talk to me about dilemmas.

*..16th May 2003..*

Just got home to find my parents not at home.

Bro: "They're at a wake."
Me: "HUH WHOSE?"
Bro: "Ah Po."

Took me awhile to realize she was none other than Auntie Nancy's mother-in-law aka the other Ah Po we used to call affectionately. Haven't seen her in a good 4 years at least.

Auntie Nancy was telling me some months back aka CNY that Ah Po's brain dead and on life-sustaining machine. We used to be quite close to her when we were young. Loved her yummy curry and her smiles. Beats me why I'm feeling so neutral about her departure now. Maybe with age, people get less feeling. Yet not really, I guess it really depends.

And then it struck me. It's 16th May, isn't it.

My real Ah Po aka Dad's mother passed away on 16th May 2003. Today's the 7th anniversary, in the blink of eye.

I remember how i cried my eyes out after a project meeting on a fateful day in JC1. I hadn't visited her for a few weeks cos of the crazy workload at school. Was intending to go after school that day, but who was to know I no longer had the chance to do so.

I was crying all the way on the bus to her funeral, I didn't get to meet her the last time. It was my first close encounter with death, since I was still ignorant when my grandfather passed away when I was 7.

I cried even harder, when her cremation was on my father's birthday, May 18th 2003. What are the odds of your own mother being cremated on your birthday? It pained me more to see my dad putting on a brave front. That year, we couldn't get ourselves to wish him HAPPY BIRTHDAY for once, knowing it would never be a happy one.

It was even harder because, I had a chinese orchestra concert that same night. It was a clashing of joyous and mournful events.

With that, I hated deaths.
I hated the thought of my close ones leaving me one by one.

It struck me just now that I haven't visited Ah Ma since I left for HK, 2 months ago. I miss my grandma, and I fear everyday, that I'll lose her one day too.

I really don't know how hard I will take things. May you live till a ripe old age, Ah Ma.

Thanatophobia, is the fear of death.
One of the top fears in my life.

*..Rainbow after the storms..*

哪里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什么天这么安静
所有的云都跑到我这里

So this is the feeling so inexplicable.
Of wanting to hold on to something so tightly no matter how arduous the journey.
Of not wanting to let go whatever the obstacles that collide.


看不见你的笑 我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到
只想紧握着你的手，一步一步地走出光芒。

I just want to hold your hand and brave the storms hand in hand.
For I know, the rainbow awaits us at the other end.

A song I've recently fallen in love with.

*..It feels so near..*

Never thought Leukemia would hit so close to home.
It's been confirmed and I don't know how I can make my aunt feel better.

Pray for a successful bone marrow match...
I should go for a compaitability test too..

Pray that she'll be internally and mentally strong,
for positivity somehow slows the effect of an illness.

This CNY, I wished her ”身体健康，永远幸福快乐“。。。
I do hope these wishes come true.
I really do, with all my heart.

I want to visit her at the hospital,
but I don't know what I should or can say when I see her.

It feels too close to home,
this whole start of a saga.

May her pain be minimal,
and the light at the end of her tunnel reach her soon.

*..2 Essays down, more to go..*

Think xq's going crazy from all these mad writing. Trying to crap up pages of stuff sure is a mentally-draining chore.

Yesterday at 2pm, our Marketing & Distribution paper was due. Turn-it-in, I really hate turnitin, cos it makes me paranoid. Not that I fear plagiarism, but I fear not citing sufficiently or inappropriately. In turn, the very inflexible computer system would accuse me of plagiarizing and I'm sure anal lecturers like madeline would penalize us like mad. ARGH.


Just a moment ago, FINALLY done with and submitted Writing About Diverse Cultures Essay on Alfian Sa'at's short stories. Think I read a total of 7 and could feel my brain drifting away. Not because the stories are boring, they're quite nice in fact. Makes you think, alot. But because they made me think, I feel even more tired with every word I assimilate. So proud of myself, cos this is due at 12pm tomorrow but I've submitted it already! *pats back*


2 essays down in 2 days.
1 more script to go (Tue)
1 more English Memoir to go (ASAP)
78695782342 more Marketing & Distribution Trade articles to go (ASAP)
1 more Marketing & Distribution Presentation to go (Wed)
1 more Business Presentation to go (Fri)

Yes all of these by the end of next week. Before a new batch of newer assignments rain down on us and erm, suffocate us.

So forgive me dear all, as xq disappear in her hiding hole typing away on her macbook. Guess I'll only go watch Monga with xiaobai and gang...followed by Plin's 24th B'day the following week. And I'll hibernate till the OH-SO-DISTANT summer break in the 3rd week of May.

Did I mention we're gonna have common tests in Mid-May. WHICH IS JUST 3 WEEKS AWAY?!

SERIOUSLY, this sem sucks. The distribution of workload is terrible. Before HK trip we had 0% weightage, and suddenly in the last 6 weeks of our 16-week long semester, everything comes crashing in. And very clever, they put in SHOOTS for Location Filmmaking too. Which means 3 weekends burnt, plus lots of time needed for post-production (editing).

That said, I have 2.5 more hours to sleep before "Dead Over Heels". Call time at Chao Chu Kang 7am. Shall pack my bag now!

*..gummy bears..*

I dreamt that I was overseas somewhere, some supermarket.
And saw this really gigantic pack of gummy bears.
I was delighted and bought it immediately for you.
And then I was rudely awoken by my hp's ring.

HAHAHAHA RANDOM but it's been hoggin my mind for the last 30mins don't know why.

anyway dear all!!! In case you were wondering (like peiwen), I'M STILL ALIVE! just had a very busy week last week, prepping for shoot and having the worst shoot of my life. SO glad it's over, but the problems are not gonna stop just there. There' still post-production.

Been feeling lousy, cos as I look back, I realize there's so many things that could have been avoided, so many things that I could have stopped, so many things that I could handle in a better way. So many things that could make the shoot better, so many people whom I owe favours to, so many people whom I appreciate with all my heart. So many people whom I feel bad towards. And a part of me blames myself for all the bad things that happened on set.

Some of the top-picks:
- heavy rain on 1st day of shoot
- delayed time waiting for the 130pm train to do the crane shot
- crazy amount of money spent
- bad welfare
- elastic timing of the neverending shoot
- p2 card transfer saga
- chasing daylight
- batteries
- unacceptable content of footages
- police officers and inspector chasing us out of Tanglin Halt location
- angst and devastation

Just so many. Time for some self-reflection. Perhaps, this isn't what I'm cut out to do. It makes me doubt myself so much. And it isn't a nice feeling.

*..Our Ideal World..*

In a round of game, we get to play "God" in some ways.

We select our players.
We determine the environment.
We strategize every move.
We build everything towards our desired end.

Everything's within our control.
At our mere beck and call.

If things didn't work out the way we'd expected, we can always "REPLAY" an infinite number of times. We'll make it better with each "try-out". If we don't get it right the first time, we'll get it right subsequently.

In our span of life, sadly, the same doesn't apply.
Things unravel unexpectedly, not within our means.
We go with the flow.
Make the wrong moves and there'll be no turning back.
We can't control the series of events in our lives.
Most of the time, we can't even comprehend them.

Maybe that's why we love playing games of any form.
It is only through games that we feel powerful and in control.
The gaming world is our alternate ideal universe.
Where things occur in any permutation and combination.
As long as we will them to be.

xq's hands/fingers are still slightly trembling from the excessive pressing of buttons from slave's bro's office's game controller. Another round of CNY gathering, but this time round we had STREET FIGHTER. My favourite childhood game with my brother, one of the games that my brother and I share fond memories of.

It's times like this that make me miss my childhood so much. The golden years of our lives where we didn't have to shoulder the worries of the world.

Growing up and maturation come with a heavy price. The deeper the knowledge we're exposed to, the greater our worries and woes.

Vulnerability makes us all the more insecure of our position of equilibrium in this vast world.

If only growing up is this simple.


Yet, it is essential for us to go through all of this.

*..Quarter-Life Crisis..*

Saw this on sherilyn's facebook, and thought how apt it was. I guess this applies to most people around me.

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.


It's just so hard to seek perfection in life, isn't it? For life doesn't turn out in light of our idealogies, fantasies and imagination. Before 2009 comes to an end, I'll draw up a rough plan of what I REALLY do want and do not want in life. Don't want to live a lie and waste precious years.

Life's hard, but with faith & hope, coupled with hard work and perseverance, it will all work out fine =)

*..=((((((((((((((((..*

Feeling as miserable as can be now.

Sighssssss. 1 more day to exams and I haven't studied a line. Just spent an hour or 2 downloading everything and arranging my notes in order. They must be sequential. Must write a to-study list too, so I can check against them when I'm done (if I ever can be done). It's times like this that my OCD gets really bad. Obsessive Compulsively seeks the NEED for everything to be in order, else I'll feel ansty as can be.

But since things aren't reallyyy in order, xq feels like she can't sleep as yet. Finally pia finish all my assignments today. (nearly all). Hopefully I have the energy to hang in there for the next 4 days. Can only pray for wisdom, strength, courage and good memory. Good foresight too, for spotting topics and questions.

Hmmm I better go sleep now. So sleeeeepy, yet each time I sleep I'll get horrid nightmares and wake up feeling more tired than ever.

Wasn't too good a weekend for the piggers. Busy at work and with school.

Check out sat's schedule.
1230-3pm: @ Widescreen to tend to FSV 16 aka Avatar tic booth. Friggin jam-packed Bugis.

330-1130pm: @ Mano's house with Joanne doing Sunset Boulevard feature analysis final project. We didn't even eat dinner. Grrr and I didn't eat lunch either. busy till forget. Had a really bad tummy ache when I got home.

The good things that came out of saturday? ET emailed us just now that xq's got a complimentary Avatar tic. Hmmm but not too sure if I'll go. Don't feel like going if slave isn't. Some things are just not fun anymore when done alone.

The Sunset Boulevard discussion went on for eternity. We watched and rewatched, rewinded the film like mad, I could memorize almost every line/scene after that. Thought I'd end by 1030pm, made slave wait really long to have dinner till he had gastric. Ended up dabao-ing Punggol Nasi Lemak to Mano's void deck.

Thanks ya tou =)

Sigh mind's in a mess now. Don't think my typing makes any sense. I've been typing all night.

=( OH MISERY. Really, never felt this afraid in Chapman. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm jiayou xq!

Feeling so inadequate now in every corner of my life. To the extent of feeling satiated at the very instance of ticking my to-do list items. My only joy at the moment.

I wish I were free-er the coming week. Then I could be around to help slave pack his new room, and things wouldn't be too agonizing when done together.

I wish...the week ahead would proceed greatttttttt, for the piggers. At work and at school.

And a side-note to thank mummy foo for being ever so fantastic a mum can ever be. =)

If you asked me now, I'm really really zoned out. Sick of everything to do with school.

*..sleepless..*

Played 947659245 rounds of bejewelled and can't seem to fall asleep still, despite my eyes being half opened.

Feeling momentarily and suddenly depressed.
Clouded with thoughts and memories of all the lousy things that has happened in 2009.

2009 isn't that great after all.

Especially quarrels. Problems aren't exactly solved, they're just understood, assimilated, addressed, and then shelved aside...to be avoided like plague whenever possible. Sometimes, can't help but remember the stains that get left behind after each disagreement, quarrels or revelation. And the truth hurts a million times over each time you tread into that memory subconsciously.

And you know, things are never the same again. Yet you have to consciously lie to yourself that....everything's just the way you'd wanted them to be...

=( no idea why I'm feeling down now. Argh almost 430am I need to sleep else I'd faint in sch tmr.

Just feeling sick and annoyed with just about everything now. May tmr be a better day. Maybe I should just go home straight after school and lock myself up at home in solitude.

*..Stone Wall..*

郭靜《心牆》



一個人　眺望碧海和藍天
在心裏面　那抹灰就淡一些
海豚從眼前飛越
我看見了最陽光的笑臉
好時光都該被寶貝　因爲有限

＊我學著不去擔心得太遠
不計劃太多反而能勇敢冒險
豐富的過每壹天快樂的看每一天

Wooh～第一次遇見陰天遮住妳側臉
有什麽故事好想了解
我感覺我懂妳的特別

妳的心有一道牆　但我發現一扇窗
偶爾透出一絲暖暖的微光
就算妳有一道牆　我的愛會攀上窗台盛放
打開窗妳會看到悲傷融化＊

Repeat　＊

Wooh～
妳的心有一道牆　但我發現一扇窗
偶爾透出一絲暖暖的微光
就算妳有一道牆　我的愛會攀上窗台盛放
打開窗妳會看到悲傷融化
妳會聞到幸福晴朗的芬芳


Sadistic me has chosen escapism.
Drawn every bit of curtain in my room.
Door closed.
Repeat mode of depressing music.
Shuffling in and out of tear-soaked pillow.

Talk about Monday blues.

If only I could think in such an optimistic way with ease.
The most torturous feeling is when you have absolutely no control of your thoughts and feelings.

The worst feeling is knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way. It's depression, doubly felt.