*..A Hundred Days..*

It's been a hundred days, and I've been kept busy by work and people.

Thought I'd take some time out to browse through the folder of photographs and videos I took of you in the past couple of years, and it hit me more badly than expected. All I wanted was to relive moments spent with you, and to reminisce memories of you. But I got more than what I'd hoped for.

There was a strange, inexplicable tingling sensation from within;
My heart wrenched;
Tightness in the throat;
My mind was racing with an avalanche of memories.

And I couldn't stop tearing as I watched the clips.

I didn't realize how much I've missed you.
Fridays are no longer the same anymore, just cos I used to visit you every Friday.

A 100 days, but I didn't miss you a hundred times less.

Somehow, it feels like you're so close by as the videos of you drew me in with your voice and smile.

It's like watching you talking to me directly, in real life.

I miss you, Ah Ma.
And I will see you when the time comes.

Thanks for watching over us all this while, and hope you're happy with Ah Gong in the netherworld.



On another note, Cecilia was telling us about this verse the other day.

2 Peter 3:8 - But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.


Indeed, we'll join you before you even know.
For time's passage is insignificant in heaven.

*..When routines become a part of you..*

At various stages of our lives, a "foreign body" enters our life cycle and we decide whether to make time for these new occurrences. After all, all things are possible as long as the mind is willing to make time out for anyone or anything at all - for time is a controllable variable.

Once you introduce these new people and activities into your life, you'll have to push away the old to make room for the new. You compromise and come to a standstill, where you attempt to manage a balance between the old and the new.

Subconsciously, this comes to an eventual equilibrium where you have successfully integrated the new into your current lifestyle. This is when you have fully assimilated new habits and blended them perfectly into your life routine.

Until one day, a change enters your routine and disrupts the chain of events.

That's when things go haywire, and routines get messed up.

I've been feeling strange ever since I got back from my 1 week trip. It feels as though this 1 week away from civilization and the interference from my daily routine has created an impact so irreversible, things can somewhat never be the same again, hard as I try to replicate them.

Because in the event that one's routine gets interrupted by external factors, so does the routine of those around that person. Likewise, my disappearance from everyone's lives this one week seems to have some sort of strange repercussions on the relationships between me and the people around me.

It's sad, but that's the sad fact of life I guess - that nothing is permanent. That everything is but temporal.

Which brings me to this thought...
How nice it would be if we could just immerse ourselves in a specific moment, imprint it in our minds and just savour every second of it. For we know not of when these moments would slip us by, and we know not of when the people around us will leave us.

Yes it's sad, but that's the harsh reality of life.
And when routines are lost, you eventually lose a part of yourself too.

If only all things remained at equilibrium, all through our life cycle.

*..To all the paranoid people out there..*

My previous 2 posts were about letting myself and my parents down in matters to do with my career, or rather the lack of it, to speak of. Specifically, being stuck in doing what I don't really like (editing), rather than taking the risk and pursue something I really do like (producing). So hello there, don't jump to conclusions if you're uncertain of my subject matter.

Just thought I should spell things out lest people point accusational fingers at me just 'cos I decide to blog in a less outright manner. After all, this is all for my own eyes and an outlet for my inner thoughts, it doesn't matter if you misinterpret what I write about...but I decided to clarify just cos I'm too tired of this vicious cycle.

Seriously hate people accusing me. For the umpteenth time now.

If you know me well enough, you'd know what I'm referring to from the way I phrase my incidents/thoughts. If you doubt my intentions, then sorry, I guess you just don't know me that well after all.

Goodbye all, xq will be away without internet access from 22-27th Jan to Hainan Island. I guess this is a good break to get my mind off so many things, and probably probe on some prevailing issues and source an answer/course of action when I get back.

Hate people accusing me of something I never do, really. It's almost like an insult to accuse me. Something I cannot stand, amidst my strong tolerance and patience.

*..When sorry isn't enough..*

Sometimes, I can be such a total letdown to the people around me - my loved ones, my cherished friends and so many more.

Sometimes, even the most sincere apology cannot do justice to the emotional hurt I've inflicted on these people.

Sometimes, I wish I can live up to everyone's expectations and lead a rosy life, in accordance to what my heart desires.

There are only so many sorry-s I can say, and ultimately, it is but a worthless and cheap word.

Feels lousy when deep within me, I know that "sorry" doesn't cure. Yet, I can only watch on helplessly. Or rather, a part of me looks on in cluelessness.

"Sorry" is but a mere word we use in consolation to ourselves when we've done something to upset another person. Sometimes, you just wish the person wouldn't forgive you, so it redeems yourself a little.

Or maybe not.

Argh, the irony.

*..Like a bird in a cage..*

I feel like a bird in a cage, currently.
In more aspects of my life than one.

I feel like there's a gazillion things my heart tells me to do;
yet the brain wills me not to follow my heart.

My heart says I'm still young, hence I should follow my dreams and take risks;
yet the brain nags at me to remain in comfort zone and stay put.

My heart hates myself for giving in to the brain so much;
yet at times it makes itself heard and acts upon it.

The brain chides the heart for not contemplating hard enough on the possible consequences of following one's heart.

Prior to any form of decision, there's always so much to consider: the things you have to give up, the people you have to hurt or leave behind, the risks, the end of comfort zone and stepping feet into a new life, the people who talk about you incessantly, the fear of making the wrong move, the possibility of regret yet there's no turning back..

Well, basically.. fear of the unknown..

As the saying goes, our happiness is in our own hands. It is all up to ourselves.

It makes me wonder if my world view has been clouded all this while. To me, happiness is a grey line, a blurry shade that blends with all other emotions. I guess, happiness is seeing the people around me happy, living up to their expectations and what-nots.

The heart already knows the answer, but the mind is holding back. The mind says: "You have expectations to live up to, think for others."

The heart says: "What a dilemma, I just want to go into a deep sleep."

Alas, escapism prevails and all that remains is a heavy heart.

*..Now, or never..*

Kinda dreading the crazy project that commences tmr for a continuous 10 days. I think I'm gonna run out of drive already, despite not being too productive already in the first place.

This weekend was terrible, just feels lousy when people close to you don't trust you as you thought they would. Tears me apart actually, so I practically slept the entire weekend away. Adds on to the "no mood to do anything" feeling.

And so I turned down all the outings that was supposed to take place over the weekend, that I was looking forward to cos I'm gonna be MIA from tomorrow and stuck in the office.

With that decision, I further upset a few more friends. And one very close one in particular because she was looking forward to seeing me but I pulled out on her twice this week cos I have to stay home to settle some work stuff, and I just didn't have the heart to be out when I knew time was running out.

There are a few people ignoring me now, it's a terrible feeling. I don't like to be ignored. And it doesn't feel too good when my apologies are ignored too.

I've been staying in my room since yesterday afternoon. Just no mood for anything. Just want to go into the deepest sleep and not brood on anything.

I slept so much, I didn't manage to meet the supposed deadline of the wedding video today. I feel so much guilt, like I've let the wedding couple down. But they're so understanding, I need to complete by tomorrow. I need to do a good one =)

I don't know, I feel a massive mind blockage, like I can't do any work in this state. But time is running out. Night's gonna fall soon, it's now or never.

There's a heavy boulder upon my head; a weight pinning against my chest. It sounds so dramatic, but that's how I'm feeling now.

xq, quick snap out of it already. It's been 28 hours already.

This silence, it's deafening and eating me up. I just want to be in a complete state of unconsciousness. That would be perfect.

*..Darkness is all I see..*

So the past few days I've been feeling really down and out.
Like I've been looking forward to a brand new year of hope and surprises.

I've been looking forward to positivity in all areas of my life.
Yet it isn't looking as rosy as I'd painted in my mind.

I feel like I've lost the drive to work hard in the things I do.
I feel really sick of editing and FCP in all honesty.
Like I feel a little nauseous each time I look at the timeline on my screen.

I wonder why I'm always doing all these work and rushing for deadlines, not doing them because I really want to do it and I no longer look forward to savouring the end product.

You know, the satisfaction at the end of it all.

I've lost it.
At the end of each job, only one thought comes to mind: "Yay, deadline met. Now what's next? When is it due?"

So there's this wedding edit I've been dragging for a month already, the long version. Been distracted by side jobs and other more bugging deadlines. And this weekend is probably the last free slot I have to nail this. But I've been struggling to complete it, the finishing point just seems so far off.

As this irksome feeling (which I cannot explain) overwhelms me, I just want to escape into deep sleep and never wake up to the light of day.

Really hate doing work for the sake of delivering, where has the personal drive gone to? I think I've lost myself and I'm deeply saddened by this realization.

I feel so disappointed in myself, all of a sudden.

Got to snap out of these self-destructive thoughts.

This is such a familiar feeling- heavy head, even heavier heart. I remember feeling this depressed when I failed to meet personal expectations at significant stages of my life. Yet I don't understand why I'm feeling this way now.

*..Breathlessness..*

It's 3.09am.

I've been coughing incessantly since 8pm and feeling really breathless. To the point of wheezing.

I can't concentrate on my edit, due tomorrow morning.

There's a pulsating pressure against my chest and shortness of breath.
Never felt like that before, it really is quite a vulnerable feeling.

Why do I always fall sick when I have important deadlines to meet?

The self-medication isn't working.
Nor the tonnes of woods peppermints.

I fear I wouldn't wake up on time if I were to turn in now.

My throat is hurting so much it's inducing another round of fever which I just recovered from.

There's a looong day of work tomorrow, and it's so daunting.

I just pray for strength to last me through this week.

The editor I took over had a super messy media management, I'm having difficulties locating all the important footage.. In fact it's non-existent in the hard disk. I don't know, I guess I'm having a mind block right now.

I need a break.

It's tiring to cough non-stop.

*..Everything In His Time..*

Oftentimes, I lose sight of what lies ahead. I can't seem to see where this path eventually leads me to. It gets depressing and almost demoralizing.

Things aren't exactly turning out the way I had envisioned it to be after graduation. Not in a bad way, but just in an alternative way.

Unknowingly, I seem to be moving further away from my dream. To the point I question myself: "What is my dream?"

I begin to doubt, mostly myself. My aspirations and dreams, where have they gone to? What have they become?

Everything's way too cloudy, it's almost as if I'd unwittingly decided to remain in comfort zone too comfortably and conveniently. I've been taking things as they come, but shouldn't I be taking things in my hands and steering them towards my goals and dreams?

A friend shared this verse with me, one I constantly remind myself of.


Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NKJV)
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

Wait upon Him. His plans might not necessarily be our plans. Just be faithful and pray. Bless others just as He has blessed u.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. [12] Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. [13] You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


I need to use my heart more. Been relying too much on my head these days.
That's right, back to retrospection in lalaland. =)

*..Sleepless-ness..*

That said, this shall be a random post. Of remnants and pieces.

Been really nua in recent weeks, hence I take a really long time to get into the "editing mood", especially so on weekends.

Just find it sickening that I've already faced FCP for 5 full days and on my weekends I have to face good 'ol FCP again.

On a lighter note, LOVE my new macbook pro. Photos next time.

Did amendments for an event video we shot in early November and somehow the more I looked at the edit, the more I wanted to change it. And so I did, tried to dig through the 7358322 shots and thankfully I was on shoot that day, so nothing looked unfamiliar.

Done exporting and now I'm sending the file over.

6.11am now, and I had wanted to wake up at 8am...but I postponed my timing to 9am.. fingers crossed...

I'm just ranting on, cos I fear that the file send would fail. So this is my means of keeping myself awake.

So many things have happened the past couple of weeks, so much so, it feels like the longest few weeks of my life. A mix of good and bad, of disappointments and surprises, of joy and sorrow, of encouragement and discouragement...

As the year of 2011 comes to a close, I find myself becoming more sentimental with each night. Reminiscent, reflective, retrospective, philosophical at times.

Life's so quizzical, I'm practically living by the dayJOB. How my days turn out depend immensely on what project I'm doing for that particular time period. My life revolves around work.

I wish I had a more interesting life sometimes. Been questioning myself for the longest time, and I'm quite sure this stage of life, I'd want to focus my energies on work and relationships.

Narrowed down my social circle alot, as I figured along the way how some friends I thought to be true, turned out to be otherwise. These days, I just spend more time and effort talking to the handful who truly matter to me. Those who've been with me through my inner storms. Truly appreciate every small gesture of concern towards me from these people.

18 minutes remaining of the file transfer.

Let's see...

There's so much on my mind, I can't contain them all.

This is a tough period for many of my good friends. Somehow, time coincides and everything snapped almost too suddenly. I want to be there for them, yet I've no supernatural healing powers. Just pray for speedy recovery for these people, for them to open their hearts, pick themselves up from whatever falls and bruises suffered.

Look to the future, boundless and limitless. =)


On hindsight, I think I'm gonna die at work tmr. I have erm...2 hours left to sleep..

GOOD JOB XQ! What's new? =(

*..If only this is one dream we could all wake up from..*

I used to wonder, which is worse?
Losing your dream job/losing a golden opportunity at work or losing a loved one?

Tonight, the answer came clear.
Every lost opportunity stands a probable chance of resurfacing;
It might not be "never", but "not now".

But losing a loved one is an irreversible occurrence.
There is no replay, there is no mercy.

I feel really empty now, so much so, I can't comprehend this emotion.

I'm happy or rather, relieved in a way;
yet I'm devastated - like I've lost a part of my life.

I used to think losing all the data in my hp would equate to losing a part of my life... but that is nothing compared to losing a loved one.

I've officially lost my last grandparent to the heavens.
The last, but not the least.

The one I loved most dearly,
whom I shed the most tears for;

The one who brought me the most laughter,
and also the one I was willing to do anything for;

The one who taught me the only dialect I know - Teochew,
whom I enjoy talking to but I can never talk to her again;

The one I could spend all day stroking her head and fanning her with the old-school fan,who would in turn share all her snacks and favourite food with me;

The one who I looked forward to visiting every Saturday in my childhood days,
who emptied her entire refrigerator and piles Vitagen, Marigold fruit juice, Jelly and chocolates into my arms;

The one who taught me the old school string game,
and folded paper cranes, frogs, shirts and pants for me;

The one who shielded me from my mum's detrimental cane when I was young,
and oftentimes reminded me not to make my mum angry as I grew up;

The one who craves for kopi-o, ice-cream, kfc, carrot cake in her "last" days, yet could no longer eat nor drink in her actual last days;

The one who loved ranting on and on (and I probably inherited this trait from her), yet could no longer speak her last words to her loved ones;

The one I've shared 25 years of memories with,
yet she can never live to see the day I get married;

The one I've wanted to take a photo with in my graduation robe and bridal gown,
but it is all too late now;

The one who would dry my tears and cajole me to sleep in her Teochew lullaby,
yet she can no longer dab my tears dry right now;

The wrinkled hand I never wanted to let go of each time you feel scared,
just like how you used to hold my hand when I was afraid.

I stroked your forehead, parted your hair...

I held on tight to your fingers, just so you knew I was there with you...
Your hands, they grew cold - I held on to your palm tighter.

Your left arm, it was swelling so bad...it pained me so much...
Like a razor that pierced right through me.

Holding on to your hand never failed to give me comfort,
Even as you left us for a better place, it felt good just holding on to your hand.

You wiped off my tears when I was young,
but tonight I had to wipe yours dry.

Why did you tear so many times tonight?
Were you frightened?
Were you worried about leaving us behind?
Were you wondering where some of your unfilial kids were?

Most of all, I wanted to ask...
Did you momentarily recognize us all?
For you've clean forgotten everyone of us in your state of dementia.

The way you looked at us just now, it seemed like you recognized us.
The way you opened your mouth, gasping for air...
as though trying to tell us something..

Were you trying to call us by our names?

I wanted to kiss you goodbye,
but I was contemplating...
cos I didn't really wanna say goodbye to you...
not yet...

I asked myself, why did I not visit you earlier?
Being busy with work was no excuse.

I had wanted to camp over the hospice tonight,
but I guess you didn't want to tire us out like back in August.

You always placed everyone else above yourself.

There's too many things I want to say to you, Ah Ma.
To infinity, and I can never finish saying them all.

I hope you're in a better place right now.
Watching over us from above, smiling down on us.

Yet the thought that you're alone in the resting place of the hospice right now for another few hours disturbs me alot.

I hope you're on the other side, living in bliss right now.
With Ah Gong and your family you've missed dearly.
We will join you when our time comes.
Meanwhile, you'll be kept dearly in our hearts.

I'll cherish the many memories you've shared with me.
The life values you've imparted to me.
The words of wisdom you've whispered to me.
The photos and videos that I've captured of you.

拥有您的呵护，您温馨的爱，
是我一生最幸福的时光。
谢谢您带给我的回忆，
我会牢牢记在心底。
因为有您这么伟大的阿嬷，
才会有我那么幸福的孙女。

只想永远紧握住您的手，
继续活得更精彩，
让您为我这孙女感到光荣与欣慰。

24th November 2011,
2355 hrs.

Rest in peace, Ah Ma.
You'll always hold a special place in my heart. =)



And almost too suddenly, I'm feeling a massive void in my life already.

一个永远无法弥补的洞。
谢谢您那无微不至的爱。。。

*..The world is a dark hole..*

一向来，我都是很诚恳地待人，
尤其对于好朋友 － 我更是毫无防务地对待。

直到最近，
才恍然大悟，
原来，有时候我们最信任的知己才是最恶毒的敌人。

这世界根本没我想像的单纯。
凡是都有可恶的一面。

这庞大的世界，是黑暗的。
从今天起，我要加强谨慎，
做好所有的防备措施。。。

再也不会傻傻地吃亏，
永远不要再受到伤害了。

Once bitten, twice shy.
I guess I've learned my lesson the painful way.

*..Not Never, just Not Now..*

xq turns all retrospective in the wee hours of the night.

Been in deep thought about my career path, the possibilities and permutations of how things could or would turn out with every decision I make along the journey, be they big or small.

It's easy to say "Leave it in His hands." or "Take a step at a time." Yet it's innately humane to feel impatient about the route ahead, to question the plans in store for us.

With regards to the issue that has been affecting me more than I'd imagine it would, Uncle kx told me: "It's a good sign, shows that you're meant to enjoy a boss' life!" How optimistic to see things in this manner, yet I no longer know what to think of it anymore.

Panda told me to adopt a 平常心, to just take things as they come my way. To just treat everyone genuinely and sincerely as before, and whatever will be, will be.

Was looking forward to November initially, but now I wish I had greater foresight and made wiser decisions that would hurt myself less.

Really a lousy feeling to be someone's substitute. Doing things that others 嫌弃 isn't all that great a feeling too.

But I guess in more ways than one, this is a true test for me mentally and emotionally. Just as surviving AFC was a test for me and I survived it, and gained more than I could imagine. The things that $ cannot buy - mentorships, friendships, experience, memories and working relationships.

Was reading my recent entries and realized that since graduation in May 2011, all I ever blog about is work-related.

The irony, as Mimi told me last week: "Life is more than a job." Followed by a really touching story which I will keep for another time, a shining star who've inspired and touched me in an inexplicable way. A story that reminds me of how fortunate I already am, and to feel more satisfied with what I'm blessed with.


当你迷失了方向，该走哪条路？


I guess no one really knows the answer, something that will keep us in constant search for the unknown.


也许，最明确的选择就是顺气自然。
跌倒了，勇敢地爬起；
失落时，自己擦干眼泪；
灰心了，千万不要死心；
辛苦时，咬紧牙根努力奋斗。



Do everything in Faith =) Jiayou xq, you are stronger than this. Put it all behind you, it really is a new beginning here forth.


My life motto since a couple of months ago: "Love what you do, do what you love." Really hope to fulfill this by 2012 hopefully. =)


On a lighter note, it's HONEY's birthday today, 31st Oct 2011. =) Honey is the name of Panda's new van =) Had our 1st ride in it tonight, woo!!! Time to decor the empty van with dumb little items.

放得下，看得开，
才能飞得更高更远。

*..若隐若现..*

转眼间，已毕业两个月了。
第一份 project 在5月25日，今天已经工作了2个月。
6月忙忙碌碌，忙得没消遣时间。
7月忙碌了一阵子，之后和朋友聚集了许多， 和家人吃饭逛街。

突然间有种失落感， 似乎看不清未来， 摸不住梦想；
不禁问自己， 这一切切的美梦，是否会成真？
无知的自己， 是否隆隆撞撞， 无意中迷路了吗？


当你迷失了方向，该走哪条路？

*..What is life?..*

Sometimes I ask myself, what is it I seek in life?
Life after graduation?

Is it passion or bread & butter.
Ideally, it'd be both- bread & butter a subset of passion.
But 1.5 months on, I realize how impossible it is to attain my ideal scenario.

And so I see myself selling myself to work.
Slave to work.
Slave to my employers.
Slave to the Macs.

I've been eating practically every meal in front of the computer when I'm at work, there isn't time to eat out like what normal office workers should do. And that is if I even have time to eat at all.

Hmm I think I've lost another 2-3 kg. Yikes, I will never reach my old weight at the rate I'm going.

Emily's right. My life is unpredictable, shall see how long I can last in this state of life.

I'm not complaining, just maybe whining a little. But sometimes I just feel so deprived of my own time, "me" time, time with family and friends, time with loved ones, leisure time... I feel constantly nervous, anxious and paranoid - because I have to be at so many places within the same day. Or when projects clash, I feel very bothered emotionally as I feel the obligation to be at both places at the same time.

Just as I thought projects are clearing up, new projects creep up and...they are showing signs of clashing already. ARGH, I was super free for the past 3 days and nothing cropped up. But the moment I had something on today, everything just had to coincide somehow or other.

Sometimes I wish...
Life could be more predictable and more stable.

But then again, maybe that's what makes life interesting now.
Like I made 3 new friends today =)

But I'm sad that I got to wake up in 2 hrs' time for work.
Crazy deadlines keep surrounding me.
Like today I had 3 hours to finish a 1st cut for Singtel. CRAZY OR WHAT! Then carolyn and I stayed in office till 3am, because client is viewing it again at friggin 9am tomorrow. And there were quite a lot of changes.

Fingers crossed, feeling really...
unsettled.

*..GetCharlar..*

So for the past few weeks, on and off...xq met her brother's new friends and we've been recording vo, conceptualizing, filming and editing his business pitch videos...

Yes, amidst my crazy crunch time at school...I almost died trying to squeeze "free" time in to accommodate all of these..

and today the efforts paid off! =)


IT IS OVER!!!

My only regret is....I missed the pizza treat from the professors after school yesterday cos I had to rush off to complete the video for today's deadline...it was 12am just now...And I didn't eat all day cos had been working on it the whole day... Almost died of a heart attack at close to 12am because there was an error with the video exporting, bro wanted to add things into the video, rendering was crazy cos my macbook is ultimate slow poke, everything that could go wrong- went wrong...we submitted the entry form at 2359 hrs and realized the upload link didnt work... 0000hrs the submission closed, our hearts stopped!

AND ALAS! at 0003hrs, the site reopened and they announced an extension of 24 hrs for the deadline! What are the odds! So we made the amendments and it's all good and ready.

Hope my brother wins so that I can have more money, huat ah! Hahahaha....don't like doing free jobs yo! Esp not if it's heart attack-inducing and causes me to get x875346243 pek chek with my oldddd macbook that annoys the hell out of me each time I do video edits with it..

But it was fun though, this whole process. I experimented alot and learned alot...the people were nice =)  I realized that my drawing isn't as bad as I'd imagined. They only provided me with the VO script and some random ideas, so alot of DIY involved. Shot with my niceeee digicam Canon IXUS 130IS yo!! I'm loving it more by the day =)  And I learnt some new things on FCP in the process too.  It was overall a good choice to be involved in this, despite all the angst encountered.

Video #1: Bob & Charlar



Video #2: GetCharlar - Pop-up Space



Happy much! IT IS DONE!! =)

and I think my hands are quite telegenic! wahaha just kidding!!

now...back to the sad reality of life! Re-hi my script and essays!  *emo*

On a lighter note, graduation is in exactly a week! 22nd May, Sunday.  Yesterday was kinda the last day of school, of official classes. Still feeling a little blue somehow. Am gonna miss all the nice friends and times we shared, attacking deadlines and rejoicing at intervals as we overthrow each deadline.

More about the sad partings of life next time. Back to work.

Oh it's my 3rd love's birthday today. HAPPY BDAY MY LOVE! aka carolyn!

*..I can't sleep..*

There's so much on my mind tonight.

At the very thought that I'll be graduating in a mere 7 weeks' time.
May 22nd is graduation day- the day I've been waiting all my life.
The day that I missed enjoying with the peers from my sec and jc life.

Yet, it's the day I'm gonna walk down the aisle with some of the most important and awesome people in my life whom I'll never have met if I didn't come this longer route. =)

It's a mixed feeling I get- I'm happy, yet scared.
Of what awaits beyond May 22nd.

I'm suddenly very worried about my new job that I don't even know what it would be. I'm very afraid, yet also excited, about starting a new chapter in life, of becoming financially independent.

I'm even more frightened of the new equilibrium in life that might topple the current equilibrium in life that I'm all so familiar and comfortable with.

Changes- they're all so intimidating.
You're raring for them to happen, yet you shrivel in fear of what looms ahead.

Tonight, I pray for wisdom to make wise long-term decisions;
For the strength and discipline to tackle the insanely crazy amount of deadlines these 7 weeks.

I pray for a fulfilling 2011.
A year I've been awaiting all my life, I can't possibly disappoint myself.

OH MY LORD.
Scary scary scary.

xq stop scaring yourself with these thoughts.
Don't worry, it will come to you when the right time comes =)

相信就可以。。。

Panda is going off to KL again tmr, for a week. Sobs only managed to see panda 2 days out of a whole month. What with KL, HK and KL again this one month period.

On a lighter note, can't wait to catch up on assignments and deadlines this long weekend. Byebye life.

*..Silent Night..*

3.04am.
I feel so strange, especially in the wee hours of the night.

Like the next day's approaching, but somehow i dread its approach.
Like the past day had passed peacefully and everything's in control;
Yet it's beyond my ability to ensure the next day would pass unscathed.

The insecurity of losing someone dear to me.
The ticking clock of it possibly happening just about anytime. 
We're never ever ready to come to accepting terms with death, are we?
At least, I know- I'll never ever be ready.

It's a conflicting battle within.
As much as I yearn to spend all my time with her;
I struggle with actually visiting her.
For each time I come face to face with her-
It pains me a little more, it tears me apart a little more.

On Tuesday, Grandma gave me a task.
She asked me to develop photos of the important people in her life, her children, grandchildren especially- so that she can look at us everyday and remember us when we visit her.

I wasn't sure how she managed such coherent thoughts in her state of dementia, but somehow I felt she really knew what she was saying there and then. She even described in full detail and repetitively the size of the photographs she wanted.  She folded pieces of tissue paper and measured with her imaginary ruler to the precision of a 4R-sized photograph, occasionally comparing delicately against the photo on the screen of my camera.

It's amazing, really it was. Her look of concentration. 

A simple wish of hers, that I want to fulfil. I'll make a trip down to the photo-developing place on Monday after school =)  And on Tuesday, this wish of hers would be fulfilled.

On recent visits, I find myself taking random pictures of her- as though I sub-consciously want to eternalize every moment spent with her. And even video snippets of our random conversations.

Her every smile, her every laughter, her every playful moment.
Less her pain, less her sorrows, less her sufferings.
I wish I could take all of those away from her.

Please don't take her away from me.
Times like this, that I don't feel like going for my HK Filmart trip anymore.

These days, I just want to be there for my mum.  It must be more difficult for her. I don't know how to make her feel better, except for thinking up little things to make her happy. 

*..Writing, writing, writing...*

530am now and it's gonna be a sleepless night.

But I must applaud myself for completing 3 film write-ups in one night! =) Not bad, considering I'm doing this on top of all the emotional and psychologically draining events that took place in the 2nd half of today.

(1) The King's Speech for International Film Survey

(2) The Crying Game for International Film Survey

 The Crying Game is really such a meaningful film on further analysis, my favourite scene in the film is here!





(3) Comparison of Throne of Blood with Macbeth for Literature of Diverse Culture

Haven't spent such a long time at a hospital visitation, it's really emotionally draining- having to smile and laugh and assure yourself that everything's gonna be okay; yet on one hand know that it's never gonna be okay, not anymore.  Not since the day I accompanied her to the Emergency ward on the ambulance in November 2008. A memory that would haunt me endlessly at the thought of it.

*..Sigh..*

Just forced myself to finish up a film analysis for "The Crying Game". Because I know I won't have any mood to do anything when I get back from the hospital later.

She's in a worse state than I'd thought.  This is not gonna be another hospital observation stay.  Far more at stake. More critical decisions to make. Her heart is failing. I can't believe this is happening.

Been crying the entire night, I just can't control my thoughts. So scared of everything, so scared each time my phone rings.

And you're always not here for me, when I most needed you.