I feel so strange, especially in the wee hours of the night.
Like the next day's approaching, but somehow i dread its approach.
Like the past day had passed peacefully and everything's in control;
Yet it's beyond my ability to ensure the next day would pass unscathed.
The insecurity of losing someone dear to me.
The ticking clock of it possibly happening just about anytime.
We're never ever ready to come to accepting terms with death, are we?
At least, I know- I'll never ever be ready.
It's a conflicting battle within.
As much as I yearn to spend all my time with her;
I struggle with actually visiting her.
For each time I come face to face with her-
It pains me a little more, it tears me apart a little more.
On Tuesday, Grandma gave me a task.
She asked me to develop photos of the important people in her life, her children, grandchildren especially- so that she can look at us everyday and remember us when we visit her.
I wasn't sure how she managed such coherent thoughts in her state of dementia, but somehow I felt she really knew what she was saying there and then. She even described in full detail and repetitively the size of the photographs she wanted. She folded pieces of tissue paper and measured with her imaginary ruler to the precision of a 4R-sized photograph, occasionally comparing delicately against the photo on the screen of my camera.
It's amazing, really it was. Her look of concentration.
A simple wish of hers, that I want to fulfil. I'll make a trip down to the photo-developing place on Monday after school =) And on Tuesday, this wish of hers would be fulfilled.
On recent visits, I find myself taking random pictures of her- as though I sub-consciously want to eternalize every moment spent with her. And even video snippets of our random conversations.
Her every smile, her every laughter, her every playful moment.
Less her pain, less her sorrows, less her sufferings.
I wish I could take all of those away from her.
Please don't take her away from me.
Times like this, that I don't feel like going for my HK Filmart trip anymore.
These days, I just want to be there for my mum. It must be more difficult for her. I don't know how to make her feel better, except for thinking up little things to make her happy.
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