*..Darkness is all I see..*

So the past few days I've been feeling really down and out.
Like I've been looking forward to a brand new year of hope and surprises.

I've been looking forward to positivity in all areas of my life.
Yet it isn't looking as rosy as I'd painted in my mind.

I feel like I've lost the drive to work hard in the things I do.
I feel really sick of editing and FCP in all honesty.
Like I feel a little nauseous each time I look at the timeline on my screen.

I wonder why I'm always doing all these work and rushing for deadlines, not doing them because I really want to do it and I no longer look forward to savouring the end product.

You know, the satisfaction at the end of it all.

I've lost it.
At the end of each job, only one thought comes to mind: "Yay, deadline met. Now what's next? When is it due?"

So there's this wedding edit I've been dragging for a month already, the long version. Been distracted by side jobs and other more bugging deadlines. And this weekend is probably the last free slot I have to nail this. But I've been struggling to complete it, the finishing point just seems so far off.

As this irksome feeling (which I cannot explain) overwhelms me, I just want to escape into deep sleep and never wake up to the light of day.

Really hate doing work for the sake of delivering, where has the personal drive gone to? I think I've lost myself and I'm deeply saddened by this realization.

I feel so disappointed in myself, all of a sudden.

Got to snap out of these self-destructive thoughts.

This is such a familiar feeling- heavy head, even heavier heart. I remember feeling this depressed when I failed to meet personal expectations at significant stages of my life. Yet I don't understand why I'm feeling this way now.