*..a sense of loss..*

Yesterday, something made me somewhat depressed and stirred an internal struggle from within. I was brooding over the matter the entire night, and even now. But it's wearing off now.

Bumped into an old friend aka my junior, T, on NEL. She boarded my train at potong pasir, probably came from her grandma's house. Took me awhile to realize it was her who boarded the train in a bouncy manner. She was still the same =) Sat in the same carriage as me, but in the next column of seats. xq was at her favourite "head of the train" seat, easily hidden from all others.

At first sight, I was excited. After all, I hadn't seen her since 2007 January or so. Even then, things had already happened (but I wasn't aware then, abel only told me about it in 2008 and well what revelation). But I could feel her sudden coldness towards me, the minimal verbal exchanges, a look in her eyes I never understood each time she looked at me. Things were just different and downhill from August 2006. We used to be so close at Jap Class etc, msn, phonecalls, smses, meet-ups. And I never saw her online since. Facebooked her several times, sms-ed her sometimes to no avail. And even when I invited her to my 21st birthday party, I received silence.

I guess I got the hint. She probably wanted to give this friendship up, all because of a past event? In all honesty, I don't know the reason and maybe I'll never know. Sometimes it's really dead silences that sour things, making them non-salvageable.

I wanted to go right up to her on the train and say hi, but I just couldn't get myself to. All the way til dhoby ghout where we both alighted, but exited different doors. I think she saw me too, but stayed rooted. I was too proud to go up to her, I felt I didn't deserve to be ignored for some reason I know not of, all these years. I told myself I'd only say hi if she intiated. I even had time to sms mole and luisa that I saw T on the train.

I just couldn't say hi. Such a simple gesture, but so many things had to go through my mind right there and then.

I'm not angry with what she's done back in 2006, she must have her reasons for those. And everything happens for a reason. I might have been angry if I found out about those in 2006, but if you find out about something 2 yrs later when circumstances have changed, I guess the past doesn't really matter anymore.

I guess I'm just disappointed that you chose this path--to give this friendship up, just like that.


I've been putting you at the back of my mind all this while, and once again got reminded of the times we've spent together for a good 3/4 year. You once mattered alot to me...but now I'm really confused...

Perhaps, things would never be the same again. I rather have my memories stuck in our happy times together. Goodbye, dearest junior.