*..Tears, held back..*

眼眶泪汪汪，脸上却要挂着笑容。
心酸，却得隐藏在心底。

This must be one of the worst kinds of feeling/emotion around, and it never fails to come to me each time I visit grandma at the nursing home. Emotions peak in contrasting directions of the spectrum, as her mind fluctuates. And these are powerfully influential emotions, that affect loved ones.

When we see her, there is utmost joy at first. That she's hale and hearty, with a loooong breath that allows her to chatter non stop. A good mind as she makes linkages of situations and people. And then the conversation goes on repeat mode, and then it loops for the rest of the day. Until any listener would be able to complete her sentences before she mouth them. And she'll talk about her son, breakdown there and then, recount her past memories, days when she has a home to call her own, voices her cravings of sewing her own clothes again, of buying things for us grandchildren to eat...

....and not being able to do so anymore.

I looked down at her feet as I talked to her. They were black, rotting, peeling and swollen. They weren't like that 1.5 months ago. The deterioration that makes me all dizzy.

And then she'll speak of death.
生不如死，
长痛不如短痛。

唉，这种情景令我感到心痛，无奈。

Heartwrenching to the extent that helpless daughters like my auntie and mum would sob uncontrollably along with her, because there is only so much they could help.

But I told myself I have to be strong for them. I have to hold those tears back and not worsen the situation/tension. I have to smile and pat grandma on her back, reassuring her that everything will be fine, when I can't even be sure of that.

I have an all-time fear of death of loved ones. They say when an elderly person keeps asking for some wish to be fulfilled, it's a "death wish" aka a wish they have to fulfil before they pass on peacefully. Today, she kept asking for something to be done. So much fear within, I don't know how to purge it from my system.

I wish I could borrow a sturdy shoulder, hug someone tightly and cry with all my might once and for all. Not say a word, but cry my heart out. Someone not from my family. Not just any someone.

隐藏了一整天，it's time to come clean with myself just before I turn in after a long day.